Ullian.Adam.Blog

Things that rhyme with Lebron

2010-07-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

He arrived. He hung out for a little bit. Now he's gone. But he's not really gone, just you know, gone if you live in Cleveland. If you live in Miami, he's just arrived. Call him what you want, but he is LeBron James and he is the most marketed athlete of our time.

He made his free agency announcement in a live one-hour special, because he is, after all, the King. The King does what the King wants, except win titles, ha! There are mixed reviews on this decision to leave Cleveland. From a business standpoint, and sports is all about business, it makes perfect sense. He needed to be with a title contender. Cleveland is 'close' to being a title contender, but having a bunch of role players to surround your superstar just doesn't cut it. Okay, let's be fair, Shaq is not a role player, but he's 38 and over the hill, and he's not about to win anybody anything in the last 2 years he plays. So Lebron needed help, and it didn't look like the Cavaliers were getting him any. They got Antawn Jamison last year at the trade deadline, and he turned out to be a playoff bust. He may now be the next Cleveland superstar, lucky him.

So LeBron searched high and wide, or vice versa, and had to make his decision. I enjoy that the Nets have an extravagant Russian billionaire owner who thought he could sway the King. Lebron wasn't going to the Nets, or Knicks, it just wasn't happening. They are so far away from being contenders it's not even funny. But best of lucky to the Sexy Serb and his 5-year championship plan - I hope it works (it won't). So LeBron had to go where he thought he had the best chance of winning, and after Bosh signed on, he had 2 of his Olympic buddies on the same team, and the contracts began to fall into place. There is a new 3-headed monster in the NBA, and it's the Miami Heat. This is similar to when KG and Ray signed on with the Celtics, albeit this new monster is younger and has more lift. Although, I do recall in 2004 when the Lakers signed on Gary Payton and Karl Malone to join Shaq and Kobe, only to lose to Detroit in the Finals. Ha!

More importantly than the signing, however, is Lebron's legacy. People are either digusted or appalled at the level of ego that has gone into his team selection, and it is disgusting, but it's also a product of the environment he has lived in. Lebron James has been wooed by the NBA since he was 16. He life has been a media circus. He was pride of Akron and he was destined to bring Cleveland a title. Or so it was thought. You can only ordain someone so many times before they believe their own hype, and clearly Mr. James does. There is no question he is a great player, but is he a great player when it counts the most? He wasn't in the playoffs when he kept getting sent home early, and that separates a great player from a championship player. Clearly he needs the support structure, and now (we think) he has it in Miami. He will be allowed to have an off night. I mean, he clearly has to win the title, but he has a much better chance now than in Cleveland. His eye is on the prize, and the prize may be in Miami.

Now, basketball aside, he is coming off as an egotistical douchebag, and the Heat will be the most hated NBA team next season. Most people normally hate the Lakers, and for good reason. They suck. Now, everytime Lebron takes the court, especially in selected cities, he will be booed out of the arena. The build up to his free agency and the television special, both unnecessary, were a product of the media and an audience who enjoy a spectacle. I expected the fans to be disappointed, although I think owner Dan Gilbert went a little too far with his bitterness. Your star was a free agent and went to a better team, sometimes stars do that. He shouldn't have guaranteed a title for Cleveland before Lebron gets one, that's just dumb. He shouldn't have called Lebron a coward. People use that term for terrorists and gunmen, not free agent athletes. He should have taken the high road and said he was disappointed on the decision but wishes Lebron the best of luck. Or not. Actually, next time the WWE is in Cleveland, I'd like Dan Gilbert to be the guest host so he can cut a promo on how much he hates Lebron and then hit a guy in a Miami Heat jersey with a folding chair. Now that would be spectacle.

Close only counts...

2010-06-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

There is a phrase that is often used among sports writers when it comes to describing a close championship game. Sadly, as a Boston fan, I have heard it too many times in the past 3 years. The phrase is: 'Team X was within X minutes of winning a title.' This is to say that a certain team blew a fourth quarter lead and lost the game in the final minutes. It's happened to 3 Boston teams in the past 3 years, most recently the Celtics - although unlike the other two instances, it wasn't an upset, just a very tightly wound game where on team ran out of gas.

I had the unique opportunity of watching the game at work. When I say watching, I mean following the score on ESPN Gamecast. I didn't really want to watch it, I only wanted to witness the score on the Boston side go up. I have seen too many games during the playoffs where sloppy, 'who wants the ball?' basketball takes over, instead of playing the game like a team and thinking before that errant pass is made. For all of his growth this season, Rajon Rondo still displays that 'I'm gonna do what I wanna do' attitude at ill times, like when he throws the ball up in the air and hopes it goes in. I'm sure he practices that shot, I just wish he'd practice a jump shot instead.

So the Celtics were playing sloppy basketball that was winning games, barely. Celtics fans were waiting for the team to re-create one of those blowout games, where the defense takes over and the offense is flowing. Unfortunately for Game 7, the defense took over, but the offense never did. I saw the score tightening up just as I heard people in my office screaming for the Lakers (not a lot of Boston fans in New York). I was trying to avoid thoughts of the game at all costs, but eventually I just had to turn on the TV on my desk and take it in. I turned on ABC just as Derek Fisher set up for the 3 pointer that would tie the game. Here we go again.

So the Celtics lost, and I spent the final, waning moments of their season walking through the streets of Chelsea avoiding the game visuals but frustratingly trying to find the score on my phone. The network was dead, I would have to wait for confirmation of the inevitable.

This will be an interesting season for Celtics fans, because the trade that wiped out the Celtics and brought in two All-Stars had a 3-year window, and now we've reached that point. Fortunately, we do have young stars like Kendrick Perkins, Glen Davis, and Rondo. These players are going to keep getting better, even when members of the 'PGA Tour' retire. That's the good news. We just have to find a team on the West coast that can end the Lakers' reign of terror. The visual of Bill Russell handing any trophy over to anyone wearing Gold and Purple is not a sight I ever want to see again. You got that, Phoenix?

The Lebron-Athon

2010-05-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

The following post comes as we approach Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Celtics and the Magic, and the Cavs are nowhere to be seen. The 2009 - 2010 NBA season was supposed to be the season of Lebron. It would be the year that Lebron James captured his long-awaited NBA title, delivering a sports championship to Cleveland for the first time since 1964. Being from Boston, I really don't care that much about other cities championship droughts. The Cubs are the only other team that has a significant championship drought for a team (102 years?), but now that they've been taken over by a Russian Billionaire everything should change, right?

   Back to Lebron. I'll be honest, a few months ago I was sort of hoping he would win a title this year so I wouldn't have to hear about his free agency and his not winning one for months on end. But then the C's got better and sunk the Cavs ship and now I could care less where he goes, although it will be a monumental shift in the league.

   The tale of the tape is as follows: The NBA is Lebron James. Ever since Michael Jordan retired, they've been looking for the next guy to take over the league. There was Tracy McGrady, then Vince Carter, then Kobe, and now Lebron. As much as I hate Kobe Bryant, he does have the resume to approach Mr. Jordan's, unlike most other modern day superstars of the NBA. So Lebron came along and started winning MVPs, and then the questions becomes, when does he get his first ring. Michael won his first ring after 7 years in the league, and that is the standard Lebron is being measured with.

   He has taken his team to the NBA Finals once, getting swept by the Spurs 3 years ago. His GM, Danny Ferry, a so-so player in his heyday, was in charge of getting Mr. James a supporting cast that would help deliver a crown. So Danny went out and got Shaq, who at this stage of his career is that big lug who can take up some space in the paint and attract double teams. Dominant, not so much - that was mid-2000's Shaq, not this current dude. I'd also like to point out that when Shaq was traded from Miami to Phoenix a year go, he famously pointed to his ring finger and said he was brought in to win a championship, I wonder how that went. So back to 2010, we have Shaq, and then at the trade deadline they bring in Antawn Jamison from the Wizards, another pretty good player. The Lebron- Shaq-Jamison connection was supposed to be fortification enough to fight off the Big Three of Boston and the Big Dwight of Orlando. As it turns out, it wasn't. So the mission of 'A Ring for the King' came to a crashing halt in Cleveland a week ago, and now of course begins the Summer of Lebron.

     Lebron is a free agent and he has to decide what to do with himself. As Kevin Garnett so aptly pointed out - loyalty can get you in trouble, and possibly prevent you from winning. He should know, as he spent a good 12 year chunk of his career wallowing on a bad team in Minnesota, when he probably had a few chances to change scenery and get on a winning team. He's on one now, but I think his message to Lebron was 'get out while you can.'

    The state of Ohio and city of Akron is all that Lebron James has ever known. It is his foundation, and it's where he has his roots. It has been remarked on numerous occasions that Lebron James has had a very sheltered life, being considered for the NBA in his teens, and basically being surrounded by his advisors and agents for most of his 25 years. So the question becomes, do you supplant from your foundation in search of a championship, going to a new team that will give you a better chance at a ring? Conventional wisdom would say, yes.

    Where is this new team? Well, the names that have been mentioned are New York, Miami, and Chicago. In New York, well...hmm... other than being in New York, I can't think of anything exciting about being in the Knicks - I'm sorry. Miami has Dwayne Wade, Jermaine O'Neal, Udonis Haslem, and Dwyane Wade. I think Lebron and Dwayne Wade would scare any team - that's a lot of points right there. Chicago has Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah, and Brad Miller. You add Lebron to that, and you get a formidable team. I don't know who Cleveland has because I think they're vetting that sumbitch and rebuilding. They've had their chance, and they blew it. So what I'm saying is, Lebron should sign with the Nets.

   The End.

Nick Stevens, Comedy Legend

2010-04-06T17:17:00.000-07:00

He is Nick Stevens AKA Paul "Fitzy" Fitzgerald AKA Mr. Townie News AKA my favorite Boston-based comedian. I first heard of Nick when a friend of mine sent me a link to his site: www.townienews.com, where I heard all things Red Sox/Tom Brady and thought it was the best thing evah. I then turned on VH1 and saw Mr. Stevens on Best Week Evah, and then finally I saw a clip that took me back to ESPN circa 2004 and the show Dreamjob. Nick was a contestant on the show that was looking for the next SportsCenter anchor. If I recall correctly, the winner went on to fame, fortune, and a gig as the main anchor on SportsCenter in Kazachstan. Good gig.

So fast fowahd to 2010, and low and behold I'm attending a taping of '12 Angry Mascots' at Comix, and Mr. Stevens comes out with his faux sports anchor and does a comedy bit. It was at that point that I said to myself - I am going to find this guy and chat with him on video camera in the basement of Grand Central Terminal - on Eastah Sunday. And I did just that.

A Store Grows in Brooklyn

2010-03-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Well.. not really, more like Herald Square - but you get the drift. The newest Esprit store had a VIP Celebration last night. I was fortunate enough to get red carpet access, even though it was more like red rug (not a lot of room). I don't wear Esprit - which I pronounce E-Spirit because I'm American, and I don't shop a lot, but nonetheless, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ivanaka Trump were advertised, and I have a few questions for Ivanka.

I showed up early - a little too early. I stood next to the photographers who were there and then backed away as I realized I was in the wrong spot. I move to the side, and then ushered my way to the end where they were granting interviews. Here's the thing about these press events - they want press, but they only want specific press, so you have to be important enough to talk to them, even if you have a camea, mic flag with valid website and awesome drinking hat on - you still have to beg and plead to speak with whoever shows up.

So publicist lady comes over and tells us who will be there, and asks who we want to speak with. I'm a flexible person, so I said Macy Gray and Alexis Bledel. So long story short, Emmy Rossum, who is famous for some reason - she comes over and speaks with the guy next to me, and then she's introduced to me, and it's like 'oh shit, I have to interview this girl.' I know who she is, she's a pretty girl, I just have no questions for her, and she could tell. So I have to put my gaydar on (it's never really worked well) and ask her about fashion tips. It's not easy being the straight guy at a gay event.

So Emmy Rossum comes and goes, then Jennifer Love Hewitt shows up - she's actually really cool. And then 30 minutes later Macy Gray shows up. One would think that Macy's would grab onto that shite and have Macy promote Macy's, but let their marketing team deal with that. So she shows up, in heels she's like 6-3, she's a big girl - there are about 10 questions that go thru my head, but I end up going with 'where'd you get your necklace?" And she didn't know, so you know what that gets me? a 5-second clip of Macy Gray going through a period of consternation. Take that TMZ.

The Olympic Round-Up

2010-02-25T07:01:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow night, as far as I can tell, is the last night and closing ceremony of the Winter Olympics. The most shocking event so far? Had to be when the Undertaker burnt his face while entering the Elimination Cham- oh wait, wrong every. Sorry. As I was saying, the most shocking event has to be the death of the Georgian bobsledder during a practice run on the morning of the first day of the games. That was just awful and reminder of the peril that many of these athletes go through in order to compete at the highest level.

The Games went on, however, and had all of the intrigue of - well, I dunno. Truth be told the Winter Olympics just aren't THAT exciting. They're only exciting when someone crashes, which happens a lot. The most compelling story lines were that of Lindsey Vonn, Bode Miller, Apolo Anton Ono, and Shaun White, not necessarily in that order.

Lindsay Vonn, or 'Princess' as she prefers to be called - is one of the world's top skiers. She's also pretty hot and has made no attempt to not use that to her advantage. Prior to the Olympics she did a photo shoot for Sports Ilustrated in various states of undress - the cover had her butt in the air in a downhill pose. As our favorite American Idol cast-off says "lookin' like a fool with your butt in the air and your pants on the ground and your hat to side and skis on the slope.' Something like that. But she won, and got into a catfight with her teammate who seems to be resentful of her looks and success. On girls, keep it clean.

Next up - Bode Miller. Mr. Miller, who was raised sans television and internet but amongst beer cans and pot plants, is also a great skier. He once did an interview with 60 minutes where he described his partying lifestyle and his propensity to drink a lot and habit of being drunk on the slopes. Not quite a media darling - we'll call him the John Daly of skiing. He did, however, win the gold in the Men's Super Combined - and celebrated with a toke and keg stand. Go Bode Go!

Apolo Anton Ohno. Also goes by the moniker AAO. He's a freaky speedskater and he won 'Dancing with the Stars' in his four-year off season. A nice guy. There was story on Yahoo! about why he yawns before a big race. It's not because he's bored or disinterested, it's because it helps fill up his lungs with air for the race. I mean, who didn't know that?

Finally, we have Shaun White. The Flying Tomato. I've studied him, and I mean this with lots of respect - he looks like the lovechild of Jenna Jameson and Carrot Top. He's a snowboarding freak, and he's not afraid to smash his head into the wall while attempting a move called the Do-Hickey-JoePa-Must-Go-Ocho-Drinko-1260. He's also a gold medalist, and he has a good dealer.

There are some other unique personalities in these Winter Games, but they're not American so they don't get good press. I will, however, give a shout out to my skating buddy Sven Kramer of the Netherregions. He is a serial lane switcher - just when you think he should stay in his lane - he will switch. It's a strategy that results in losing but gaining of attention and media coverage. That's the Olympic spirit. And a final shoutout to Cheryl Bernard of the Canadian Curling team and all the members of the Dutch Curling Team. Whatever they did, they look good doing it.

K-Mon Eye-Lon

2010-02-16T17:22:00.000-08:00

Any good trip outside the U.S. should start with a flight delay. It's sort of a rule of thumb. So we waited and waited, and waited some more. Nothing. The Superbowl comes, still nothing - what kind of bizarre joke is this. Our 8am flight to Charlotte will be running as scheduled? I don't believe it, hallelujah. Oh wait, it's 11pm, the Superbowl is over, the phone rings, and the automated message commences. Your flight out of LaGuardia has been cancelled and you are sh*t out of luck. So we call the airline, and they say, 'Congratulations, if you really truly want to go on vacation, your flight will be leaving from Newark Airport at 6am.' And everyone jumps for joy. So long story short, you get in to bed at midnite, you fall asleep around 1:30, you wake up at 3am, hope out of bed, find a cab, get to Penn Station, hop on the train and voila, you're in Newark. Yee-freakin-ha.

So fast forward a few hours, and you're in the Caribbean - specifically the Cayman Islands. The Caymans are a group of 3 islands - Grand Cayman, Cayman Brac, and Little Cayman. It's warm, and very near Cuba, which means illegal cigars can't be far off - I mean if you smoke them they aren't far off. I don't, so they were pretty far off. We landed, found our living quarters, and off to the beach we go. Our weeklong trip consisted of the beach, the pool, the sun, the beach, the pool, a nap or two, a fancy haircut, some Stingrays, a little Karaoke, and some birthday cake.

Funny story, I walk into a barber shop in need of a haircut. I wait through two guys to get their hair cut, and then I step up to the plate. When you have a beard, and you're protective of it, everytime you get a haircut you get asked for a beard trim, and everytime I say no thanks. This guy, however, he was persisent, determined - if you will, to trim my beard. He says 'hey mon, let me clean up ya beard now..' I say 'no mon, don't need to touch da beard, i take care of it now.' He say 'relax mon, I take care of the beard, it'll look fan-tas-tic.' I say 'really, don worry 'bout it, mon.' Then your girlfriend chimes in 'you can trim his beard and make it look nice.' And so the beard is trimmed.

Funny story number 2. So we head to karaoke night for some singing, and by that I know someone who likes to sing - a lot. So my girlfriend, she signs up for a song, and no one thinks anything of it. The show starts, the MC sings two songs, and then he hands over the microphone. This woman, we'll call her Brandi - she gets up, starts blasting 'Creole Lady Marmalade' and everyone looks on in amazement. Who is this woman and where did she come from? The MC stops the show, he can't believe it, he is shocked, they don't get this everday at Singh's Roti Karaoke contest. He makes her start over, which she does, and is still wowed - and then dismisses everyone else who has signed up for karaoke and says it's not necessary, they're wasting their time. Except me, I was egged into it. He approaches me, and he says 'what song do you want to sing?' I say 'I don't want to sing a song, trust me.' He says 'no, you gotta sing a song.' I say ' you will lose half your dinner crowd if I sing a song.' He says 'how 'bout we sing Crash Test Dummies?' and I say 'fine, let's do it.'

So we it, it was horrible, and it will never happen again.

And now for the Stingrays. There is a snorkle trip with a stop in Stingray Bay. If you're never seen a Stingray, it is a LARGE animal. Imagine a horsehoe carb on steroids. These things are not messing around. So of course all of the tourists get to jump in the water and get their pictures taken. I personally find it a little tacky and against the laws of nature that all these strangers should be grabbing foreign sea creatures. I don't like it, but I stood in the water to oblige my tour guide and I mingled with the rays as they plotted against us. You get to kiss a stingray for 7 years good luck. It kissed me and I swear it whispered in my ear 'do you feel luuucky?' and then it told me to f&*% off.

The third order of business is the man called Large Richard de Noir. The translation is Big Black Dick, which takes a while to sink in. He is first spotted as the emblem on the rum liquor and cakes they sell everywhere. You are perusing the liquor aisle and you spot 'Big Black Dick' and then you say 'hmmm... how very lewd and inappropriate of them,' and then you grab 3 bottles for yourself. The story goes, Big Black Dick was a slave who was thrown overboard and swam to shore and began harvestng the best rum known to man - or the Carribean. So go on, everyone, get your hands on some Big Black Dick.

Some Schpilkes for Wilkos

2010-01-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

   I had the rare opportunity to take in the one and only Steve Wilkos show this past week. You remember Steve Wilkos, the former Chicago police officer turned head of security for Jerry Springer, turned independent-minded and caring talk show host. Well, if you don't, he is Steve Wilkos and he is here to solve your problems.

   The Steve Wilkos Show is taped in front of a live and below the poverty level studio audience (yes, I'm including my self in that statement). It's in the same building as the Maury Povich Show and The Jerry Springer Show. Truth be told, our objective was to go see Jerry, but we were late and got left with Steve. Oh well.

   Here is the best way to sum up the show: it is a both a fascinating slice of Americana and a very depressing one. I feel as though the reason The Steve Wilkos is on the air is the same reason that George W. Bush was elected twice to the presidency: people enjoy rooting for bad ideas that are entertaining. The Steve Wilkos show is a bad idea that happens to be somewhat entertaining - and I emphasize somewhat. The idea is that Steve is a former Jerry Springer lackey who now has the understanding and emotional side to deal with real people and their problems. Steve knows best, and the guests on the show should be thankful for his willingness to help him. Here is where the pro wrestling comparisons come in. The show is quite obviously manufactured and scripted. The floor manager instructs the audience how to greet Steve and when to do it. Just as Jerry Springer has made the "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry" chant famous, so now does Steve have the "Steeeve, Steeeve, Steeeve" chant. During the taping of the show, I swear on all that is holy that the audience was asked to applaud and chant his name no less than every 3 minutes or so. He finishes a sentence with some words of wisdom, we applaud him like he is President Obama delivering the State of the Union. Add to this the fact that a television camera is literally 3 feet away from your face, aiming to catch every expression that you may exert - and it's very difficult not to burst out laughing at the absurdity that you're taking part in. We were warned though, please do not laugh while camera is on you, that would make it appear the topic of the show is amusing and non-sensical.

    The topic of the show was - it doesn't matter what the topic was. There was a black man and white woman on stage yelling at each other. It's more interesting when there's racial disparity, you know? By the end of the show, by the grace of god, the conflict had been resolved (who would have guessed?).

    From a technical standpoint, I had issues with the fact that the guests on the show seemed to stop arguing as soon as Steve would leave the stage, and then begin again right as he got back in front of the camera. They even went so far as to have a bumbling producer run on stage and tell the not-pregnant lady that she shouldn't get in a fight because she was pregnant, providing some comic relief for the audience.

   Ha, it was hilarous, with a capital "are you kidding me, I can't believe I'm sitting here watching this, again."

   The Steve Wilkos show airs weekdays at 12pm on WPIX in New York City. Check your local listings.

In Awe of Brokaw...

2010-01-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

   On Thursday, Tom Brokaw and his traveling band of retired journalists rolled into The Crosby Hotel on the Lower East Side. In his post-retirement mode, America’s favorite newsman has been driving across the country, finding real people with inspirational stories about surviving in these financially difficult times. His new documentary, “American Character Along Highway 50” is a sobering look at families, students, and cities, struggling to get by in the historic first year of the Obama Administration.

         The screening, brought to us by the good people at the USA Network, was a festive occasion, complete with Ms. American Character 2010. That's sort of like Ms. Golden Globe, but not quite as well-publicized. Nevertheless she did a good job with the hors d'oeuvres. All good documentary screenings have free cocktails, and this one was no different. The secret is to have enough free wine because you can, but not so much that when Tom Brokaw shows up you ask him how he feels being bumped to 12:05.

         “American Character” is filmed in the same vein as Charles Kuralt’s “On The Road” segments from years ago. Brokaw’s journey begins in Chesapeake Bay and winds its way through America’s heartland, ending in Sacramento. We are given a glimpse of Maryland’s struggling crab industry, which depends on immigrant workers to survive. We are then transported down the road to the Washington D.C. school district, headed by bold-talking education reformer Michelle Rhee. She is a young, Korean-American in charge of a largely African-American school district. Her job is to provide her students with a chance for success. She does her job a little differently than most – she listens to her students and acts accordingly. She even implemented a controversial program that pays students to get good grades. The critics, like myself, argued that students shouldn’t be paid for something they’re supposed to do. Brokaw argued, however, that all those rich kids in private school get new cars when they do well, so why can’t those who are less fortunate also be rewarded. Point taken.

        The story hits an emotional point when Tom sits down with service men who have been seriously injured during their time in Iraq and Afghanistan, and have now returned home to begin their lives anew. They are quadriplegics, missing arms and legs, and have severe brain injuries. These are people who have served multiple tours of war and now have come home with nothing. During his visit, he meets with Navy Seal Officer Eric Greitens, who founded The Mission Continues, an organization designed to empower wounded and disabled veterans to continue their service to their country. As Greitens states in the film, his mission is to change the way our veterans are treated when they return home.

        The road trip continues through the Mid-West, and then onto Colorado, Nevada, and on to Sacramento. Along the way we are introduced to families that are struggling with medical care for themselves, their families, and in danger of losing houses and a way of way of life. In Sacramento, former NBA All-Star Kevin Johnson has taken the reigns of his hometown as its new mayor. His transition from professional athlete to political figure isn't easy, especially given the cities unemployment and homelessness rate. That's why he's in it, though, because it's a challenge and he has that American Character to rely on.

        “American Character Along Highway 50” premieres on Monday, January 18th at 8PM, on the USA Network.

Oh Late Night...

2010-01-13T12:59:00.000-08:00

Well... here we go again. It's the late night wars starring Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien. Isn't it amusing how Jay Leno always finds himself involved in a battle for the Tonight Show. I think it's funny. Jay was able to maneuver his way into the Tonight Show right around 1993, sending David Letterman off to CBS to play with his harem of women, and also host a talk show. The battle prompted Bill Carter of the New York Times to write a book called 'The Late Shift' which subsequently became an HBO movie of the same name.

Good stuff. So everyone had the last two decades to settle into their roles. Jay had Tonight, Conan had Late Night and Dave had the Late Show. Perfect, everyone goes home happy. Not so fast, Conan's contract was up in 2009 and it was decided that in order to keep him on board, he should get the Tonight Show, and then to placate Mr. Leno, Jay would retire. But that's not really true. Do you smell a problem coming on?

Jay retires (not really), Conan moves his operation to L.A. to take over the reigns of the Tonight Show, and NBC gives up ad dollars by not producing new dramas at 10pm. By the way, absolutely no one in the industry thought this idea would work, and surprise, surprise, they were right. It didn't work, Jay is coming back to the Tonight Show, and Conan is pissed.

The beauty of this saga is that there are so many more outlets involved. Now Mr. Letterman, sensing vindication, can spend half of his show harping on how stupid and incompetent the suites at NBC are, something he's been waiting to do since Hugh Grant gave Leno a ratings lead that one night. You have to love when he impersonates Leno in his high squeaky voice, and then even goes after Carson Daly as the kid waving his hand at the end of the dinner table. No one sees him, no one hears him, no one really cares. He used to be on TRL, you know.

Even Jimmy Kimmel decided to join the fun. He dressed as Jay Leno, with gray wig and fake chin and did his entire show with a lisp and squeaky voice. It was one of the funnier things I've seen on his show. And Craig Ferguson, who does his show more like a stand-up routine than a talk show, I think he summed up it all when he said 'this is about a bunch of rich white guys in suits deciding who should get more money... who gives a F$#*?"

And that's the beauty of it, it's just a great opportunity for a bunch of comedy talk show hosts to go after each other - I sort of wish Sarah Palin was involved in this.

I hope Conan goes to Fox.

I hope Dave continues to make fun of Carson Daly and Jay Leno on a nightly basis.

I hope the Patriots hire a new defensive coordinator.

The Jersey Whore

2010-01-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

Well... not quite, but they seem very close. MTV premiered it's latest incarnation of The Real World this Fall - it's not quite the The Real World, but it is a group of strangers (as far as we know), picked to live together in a house for the summer... in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Not all the house members are from New Jersey, most are from Long Island and New York - but they clearly read the Jersey Guido brochure and went out and got haircuts, tatoos and muscles to fit the bill.

The beauty of this show, as opposed to The Real World, is that it's very homogenous and each person knows their part. They even have nicknames, most prominently Mike "The Situation" and Jwoww, and of course Snooki. This isn't a show where they have the token lesbian and the angry black woman and the conservative dude, and the kid whose still a virgin. No, this time they have a bunch of italian guys looking for sex and a bunch of italian women angry at the guys for looking for sex - and in between they work at a t-shirt store. And by 'work', I mean they occupy space at a t-shirt store and look for women to have sex with.

Stereotypical, sure - entertaining yes. The same reason people enjoyed watching The Sopranos and The Real Housewives of New Jersey enjoy this show because it's an unabashed fake reality of how we think certain people act. There's a voyeurism involved here, keeping track of the women that The Situation and his buddy Pauly invite back to the house, only to ditch them for two other women who they get sick of, only to be confronted by the original two women who they then re-connect with, and then at some point Snookie gets punched in the face. You can't make this stuff up.

'The Jersey Shore' has been one of MTV's highest rated shows - probably taking in the audience that Jackass had back in it's heyday in 2002-03. It's clever because you don't have people who are trying to get to know each other - you have people who already know each other and are trying to deal with each other. There are no political, religious, or social arguments - although when Pauly messed up saying grace I think we were all taken aback a little. Even The Situation was speechless.

And did I mention that Snookie got punched in the face? Happy 2010 everyone.

It's Miller Time... Matisyahu Miller

2009-12-21T18:55:00.000-08:00

Just another yahoo in Brooklyn, right? Well, not quite, the yahoo in question, Matisyahu, brought his traveling band of Hasidic reggae artists to Brooklyn Arena this past Thursday. Okay, that's not true, Brooklyn Arena doesn't exist, but if it is built I'd like to think that Matisyahu will fill it. I've followed him since his music debut a few years back with 'King Without A Crown.' He's since come back and showed us that he's not a gimmick and certainly not a one hit wonder. NBC even picked his hit 'One Day' as their anthem for the Vancouver Olympics. Not bad for a Jewish kid from New York.

Matis, as he's known to his true fans, came out to a huge cloud of smoke. No, not that type of smoke, although there was plenty of cannabis floating in the air. The stage was filled with smoke, so much so that it was difficult to see the 6-4 singer. This, however, was an intimate venue. When I say intimate, I mean I was leaning against the stage and Matisyahu had to step over my jacket to go back and forth on stage. 'Hey Matisyahu, a little less of the stepping on of the fingers, okay pal?" One might say, where there is smoke, there is Matisyahu. He came on wearing his jeans and leather jacket. Sidebar here, when he started out, on the scene, he would come on stage in full Hasidic regalia: the suit, with the hat, and the tzis tzis. People would stare in disbelief and then he would start beat boxing. Either he got permission from the Grand Rebbe or he just decided jeans were more comfortable - or both.

He did an interesting mix, and it's really his own thing now. He's now a talented reggae artist who happens to be a Hasidic Jew. Nice transition indeed. I recognized 'King WIthout A Crown' and 'One Day,' the rest of it is all sort of a blur, he just weaves from one song to the next. This concert, part of his Festival Of Light Concert series in Brooklyn, featured a giant spinning illuminated dreidel over head for the kids to enjoy. It also featured a giant menorah, which Matisyahu lit to the delight of the crowd. As Little Kim might say, if she were Jewish, 'Get your menorah's up!" If she were Jewish she'd also go by 'Lil Rebecca, but that's another story.

So check out Matisyahu on matisyahuworld.com and see when he's coming to a music hall near you. He mentioned that his giant spinning dreidel is available for weddings and bar mitzvahs. Well, he didn't, but it should be. Happy Channukah Everyone!

Tonight's Random Thoughts...

2009-12-18T21:45:00.000-08:00

In an effort not to abuse my Facebook status privlidges by updating very minute, I'm condensing my thoughts from tonight into a handy blog entry:

Celtics 11-game win streak comes to an end against lowly Philadlephia, minus newly acquired Allen Iverson. Saw the 3rd quarter, Celtics blew a 15-point lead. Poor officiating at the very end, no reason to call phantom fouls when it counts, makes me believe Tim Donaghy a little bit more every game I watch. Dear Rasheed Wallace: shape up or ship out, there's a reason you have a reputation as a technical-magnet, stop F*$&ing arguing every call, what are you 5 years old?

It's only fitting that on the day after the last day of Channukah I go buy my Jewish Christmas tree. Well, the tree is nondenominational, and I am Jewish, so by power of the 3rd deductive property, it's a Jewish Christmas tree.

I saw Matisyahu last night at the Williamsburg Music Hall. I got to meet him this summer, very cool guy. Concert was nice, very intimate, although I hate the young kids, college and high school, who show up stoned and drunk and flail their arms all over the place. If you're 115 pounds and you smack into me, you better watch out or I will deck you. Okay, that's not true, because then I'll get kicked out - but I'll really wanna deck you, and that isn't good. By the way, who asks for a guitar pick? how lame is that?

Tom Dreesen on David Letterman tonite. The show began with Tobey Maguire, a good actor, but not a great interview - you knew Dave was reaching for the next segment. Dreesen comes on to talk about Frank Sinatra, and Dave interrupts with his story about Red Foxx saying '5 people, I ain't doing a show for 5 goddamn people.' My point being, this is why I love Dave, he's funny and irreverent and does what he wants. There's nothing like some profanity in late night tv, wish there was more of it.

Back to Matisyahu, if you're in your 30's, and young guys approach and start hitting on you, don't say you're old enough to be their mother, it'll only encourage them.

Peace out....

SantaCon with a WeaponDrawn...

2009-12-15T09:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, no weapons were drawn, but booze was certainly running amok. SantaCon, that annual right of passage for drunk Santas reared its head this past Saturday. Emanating from all points not-Manhattan, the Santas, elves, Ms. Claus, Naughty Claus, and even a few Hannukah Harry's (you're welcome) joined the festivities. For yours truly, this was my 2nd SantaCon adventure. Last year was mostly a midtown adventure, having no idea that hundreds upon hundreds of people know about this and actively take part. I had thought it would be 50 santas in the back of a bar, hanging out - like they did last week. But no, this is the 'Real Deal' Holy-Santa-Field.

The day began for some of us at at an artists loft in Astoria, with DJ music, and people hanging out. The party then shifted towards the Astoria Beer Garden, albeit very briefly, before it headed downtown to Stone Street, where the real party started. Here's the funny thing about this festivity, no one has tipped off the Jews that they are allowed to participate. It's a holiday bar crawl, you can be whatever you want to be, as long as its holiday-themed. I think many of my chosen brethren choose not to go since they don't want to dress up as Santa or elves, which is fine - but put on a bleepin' blue menorah hat with a Matisyahu shirt and you're all set. Trust me, I'm on a expert on this stuff.

So the Financial District led to the 4,5 train, which led to drunken inappropriate Christmas carols and drunk women dancing on the subway poles (which by the way, is pretty awesome, and by that I mean awesome in a I-wish-my-girlfriend-would-appreciate-this-girls-talent kind of way). But I digress. Only a few weird looks on the subway, but they understand, we're in New York, it's not like we were panhandling (that was later). So the train ride led us to Washington Square Park, that bastion of liberal NYU elitism. Not really, it led to hundreds of Santas gathered around drinking and singing, and doing the 'who wants to start a chant and hope everyone appreciates it and joins in.'

The Washington Square Park led to the open container tickets. Ha! oh college kids, you can't drink a Bud Light in public, even at SantaCon. They don't teach that at Orientation?That's why god invented soda bottles not filled with soda.

After the WSP, we were all led to Crash Mansion, which is a club that was pimped out for such an occasion. They even carded at the door, can you believe that? asking thousands of people dressed as Santa for the IDs? I thought voting for Bloomberg again prevented this type of thing. But alas, the Crash Mansion led to the more drinking and then at this point some of us remembered it was sundown and we had to go home and light our menorah candles.

Happy Holidays. And for a sneak peak at the action, check out the link below:

Terry Gilliam in da 'ouse

2009-12-07T14:53:00.000-08:00

'We are the knights who say...Action!' I had to chance to sit inches.. INCHES away from Director Terry Gilliam. The sole American member of Monty Python, and director of such films as Brazil and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen brings forth his latest project, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.' The film, starring Heath Ledger in his last role, is the tale of Doctor Parnassus and his traveling circus group... and a few other things.

Click on the link below to view the excerpts:

A Cause for Keys

2009-12-03T12:58:00.000-08:00

Alicia Keys played the Nokia Theater in Times Square on Tuesday night. Neither rain, nor sleet, nor being injected with a dead virus would keep me from this show. Thankfully it wasn't raining or sleeting. Dead virus aside, Alicia Keys rocked the house. Ms Keys, in town to promote her forthcoming album and raise awareness for World Aids Day, took the stage with her 13 piece band and showed us how it's done. The concert was simulcast live on Youtube, although in the digital age, that isn't saying much. I was able to simulcast it live on Youtube from my press seat, but I didn't announce it.

Alicia ran through her hits like Fallin', No One, Superwoman, and added a few more that I didn't recognize but enjoyed nonetheless. She was joined by her opener, the new crooner Jermaine Paul. This guy has a little bit of Al Green in him, and a little bit of Tracy Chapman, and I don't mean that in a he-sings-like-a-girl way. I mean it in more of a when-he-plays-guitar-it's reminiscent-of-Fast-Car, way. Or maybe it was more like Richie Havens when he sang Freedom at Woodstock, take your pick.

Ms. Keys and Jermaine Du-Paul (that's his new nickname) sang their song, and then Alicia invited 5 people to Africa with her. Well, not right then and there, first you have to donate to her cause, then you have to go online and then fill out a form. After that, however, you are free to be chosen to join Ms. Keys in Africa to support her cause. You might want to get a shot first.

To close things up, she went into her new solo rendition of 'Empire State' because clearly people are sick of hearing her sing it with what's-his-name. It was at this very moment that some of us savvy media types conjectured if Mr. Brooklyn himself could find a way in his heart to perhaps make a surprise appearance and complete the duet. It was just a thought, so as Alicia broke into the original version of the song, who do you think wandered onstage? Oh (pause) My (pause) God, or for those you born after 1990, OMG! Jay-Z enters to sing his chorus, and the crowd goes wild. If this were pro wrestling, it would have been like Stone Cone Steve Austin coming out to smack Vince McMahon. If it were an adult movie it would have been like Jenna Jameson appearing on screen at any given moment. Whatever it was like, it was awesome, and props to both of them for putting on a great show for a good cause. Go ahead, text 'Alive' to 90999, and tell them I sent you.

Here's an excerpt from the show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IgiSDrV-Ko

John "Moundjacket" Hillcoat

2009-11-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday I had the chance to sit down with "The Road" Director John Hillcoat and discuss his process in creating this post-apocalyptic drama. The film, shot throughout Pennsylvania, New Orleans, and Oregon, is both a visual masterpiece and compelling human drama. And lots of naked men running around, too.

Torre, Torre, Torre

2009-11-14T07:27:00.000-08:00

Joe Torre held his annual Safe At Home fundraiser on Friday, November 13th at Chelsea. His foundation helps provide a safe haven for children from violent homes. It was a star-studded gala, more so than I had anticipated. Usually when they say 40 people are showing up, 3 actually show, but this time around, almost everyone and their mother grace the red carpet.

As a Red Sox fan, the opportunity to stand alongside Derek Jeter and Mo Riveria is not that exciting. Well, it's sort of cool, just not incredibly cool, i.e. I was able to maintain my composure and ask questions, even though neither of them stopped to say hi. Robinson Cano was nice enough to join me, and I got a few zingers in. The first entrants in the, 'Who do I talk to?' competition were Don Zimmer, Joe Torre, and Don Mattingly. Mr. Zimmer is nice, he suffered a stroke a year ago, so good for him for being out and about. He's a baseball great, having played roles in numerous baseball organizations including the Yankees and Red Sox. His work with the Yankees is a tad more memorable. He may be best known for charging at Pedro Martinez during a brawl in the 2004 season and getting flipped on his head by Petey, not a pretty sight.

Joe Torre is a nice, standup guy. I only spoke to him briefly, but he was happy to answer questions and he was appreciative of everyone for being there. As was Don Mattingly, most people shun the media outlets that they've never heard, but Don was friendly and personable - sometimes they're not. James Lipton showed up next. Sadly, I don't have anything to ask Mr. Lipton, and it showed, and wished him a good evening.

There was a massive Sopranos presence at this thing. Lorraince Bracco was there, she stopped to say hi. Steven R. Schirripa was there, though they dragged him away and its difficult to ask a thoughtful question when the person is not in front of you. I didn't even have a thoughtful question for him, so maybe it was for the best. Dominic 'Uncle June' Chianese was there, although he and Torre approached me at the same and I had to go with the host. Even Christofah Moltisanti showed up, but that man is in no hurry to speak with anyone, and I wasn't about to go a round with him. What I'm saying is I don't think the cast of the Sopranos were necessarily playing characters. James Gandolfini was nowhere to be found... imagine that.

Harrison Greenbaum

2009-11-12T08:09:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity to catch up with comedian Harrison Greenbaum. The native New Yorker, known for both his comedy and his magic, is a regular at the Times Square Arts Center. Take a look at my interview below. Also keep an out for his article in amNY next week.

Cheers.

This Week in Sports

2009-11-06T19:34:00.001-08:00

So I'm sitting here watching LeBron and the Knicks, er, I mean Cavs play the Knicks in what would be a blowout except that the Knicks started to play well and Cleveland didn't care enough to stop them. Final score is 100-91, but the game was not that close. LeBron coming to New York has turned into a LeBron exhibition. If you haven't heard, Mr. James, the King, his over-ratedness (kidding, he's actually that good), is a free agent after this season, as are like 15 other big names in the NBA. However, since the Knicks have been horrible since, 2000, I think, the popular opinion seems to be that they will take the cap money they are saving by playing really horrible players and spend it on players like LeBron and Dwayne Wade. They already went out and got Shaquille O'Neal, and well, I'm not seeing how that acquisition makes a huge difference. Shaq is not the dominant player he once was. He was dominant in L.A. for 3 years, dominant in Miami for a season, not so dominant in Phoenix for a season, and now he's in Cleveland. Yes, he's still 7-1 and over 300 pounds, but he's 37 and slow, and takes up room. So does Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and he can actually shoot.

But I digress, whenever LeBron shows up in New York, there is a perpetual media circus, and half of Madison Square Garden is rooting for him. Kinda sad, especially since moving him to New York will not make the Knicks better- it will make him a really good player on a worse team.

Neeeext. So something happened in baseball this week, not sure what it was. Hold on, be right back. (dramatic pause).... so the Yankees and their trillion dollar payroll won the World Series. Their high-rolling, free-spending ways finally paid off. A-Rod finally went became clutch, and Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn are happy that their daughter is dating up. Seeing her in the stands everywhere reminded me of when Ben Affleck was dating Jennifor Lopez and he would take her to games and she would always be on the Fox camera. It was nice of her to fake cheering for the Red Sox, given that she's from the Bronx. My point being, celebrity girlfriends of athletes or other celebrities are annoying, be they J-Lo, Kate Hudson, or Jessica Simpson. You know what's also annoying, when the Yankees win- anything. Editor's Note: If the Yankees had lost, we would have seen Brian Cashman's obituary the next day in the Times - I'm saying he was on a short leash.

The Patriots play the Dolphins tomorrow. The Pats are 5-2, having demolished their last 2 opponents by the score of 124,345 - 6. Okay, not that bad, but given they were playing the two worst teams in the league, they totally destroyed them both. Miami is hanging in there at a steady 3-5, with new quarterback Chad Henne replacing poor bastard Chad Pennington. This is the guy who was tossed out of the moving car known as the Jets to make way for Brett Favre, and wasn't that a productive season?

Anyway, as is the tradition, loudmouth Joey Porter again voiced his displeasure with the Patriots, and specifically one Tom Brady. He was pissed during Spygate and now he's pissed that Tom Brady is protected by the NFL. Here's the thing about star players, they get calls, they just do. Michael Jordan did, Kobe Bryant did, LBJ does, if I watched hockey I would say that Wayne Gretzy did, but I don't - but I'm sure he did. There is a play against, I forget who, where a linebacker sort of tumbles towards Tom's leg, and he jumps out of the way, points to the ref, and the flag is thrown. Some argued that was proof that the refs are on Tom's side, and I say to that... good, I want them to be on his side :-) I also say to Joey Porter- nothing, he's a big nasty dude and I'm sure he could wallop me.

And finally, Tom Cable, the big nasty dude who happens to coach the not so nasty Raiders - his ex-wife and former girlfriend went to the press saying he had harmed them. This is after the D.A. said it wouldn't press charges against him for taking actions against his coaches that led to a broken jaw. So not only does he beat up his coaches, he beats up his women, too? I don't know which is worse - kidding, I do. Coaches are really important. :-)

Only Make Believe

2009-11-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

The Only Make Believe 10th Anniversary gala was Tuesday night. It was at the Shubert Theater, hosted by Sir Ian McKellen and honoring some people I'm not quite familiar with. If you're on Broadway there's a good chance I'm not quite familiar with your work, unless you're Jude Law and you're dreamy.

As the arrivals approached, all us press people had to join forces and google the sort of unknown Broadway stars. We figured out that Alex Ko is Billy Elliott, and he won and award for that. The others, well, we had to guess and look up what their Facebook status was. It's not very professional to start off a Q & A with 'who are you?'

Alex Ko stopped by, he's young and he's on Broadway, that's really all I can tell you. I almost felt like giving him Halloween candy, but I knew that would be rude. Or make a Michael Jackson joke, too soon? Christopher Meloni, of Law & Order was there, he was also at the premiere of 'Capitalism: A Love Story' but he didn't stop at that one. He stopped at this one, he's a nice guy, I feel like he and I and Mariska Hargitay could hang out together - or he could just stay home. Maybe Ice - T would stop by, and then I would probably be asked to go home.

Sir Ian McKellen, the evenings host, caused quite a stir. He and Christopher Meloni had been singing at the other end of the carpet, so naturally when he came our way I wanted to ask if he could sing. Sadly, because of my non-Boston accent, he thought I said 'could you say something?' and he said sure, what? and I said I dunno, whatever you sang back there. He didn't understand - and then my camera woman jumped in and said 'SING!' and he said 'Oh, no I don't do that, you have to pay for that.'

Up next was his loveliness Jude Law. Jude is very British, and I didn't really know what to say to him, so I asked him about the event. I asked him to discuss any upcoming movies he's doing, but he wasn't there to talk about that (he should have been, I think). It's disconcerting when you ask a normal question and a celebrity isn't there to discuss it, what else do they get paid to do?

After Jude, we saw The cast of Hair and The Lion King test their pipes out. They can sing, and you have to love the hyena woman from the Lion King who knows her talent is to do the hyena laugh, so that's all she does. After this, there was a lull, and then Andrea Martin from SCTV stopped by. I caught her off guard by my three questions in one technique - sometimes it works and sometimes it confuses people. She was nice though, she has some performances she's doing, including an SCTV reunion in Chicago.

So check out the Only Make Believe foundation, they put on interactive theater for sick children in hospitals across the country, and soon to go international. Good work folks.

Open Myq

2009-10-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

On a cold, windy, rainy, sort of foggy, a little snowy, a bit drizzly, and damn near hurricaney morning in October, I caught up with comedian Myq Kaplan to discuss his upcoming show at Caroline's and his Comedy Central special.

AU: You spell your name unconventionally, tell us about that?

MK: Right now it’s just useful to google myself. Because Mike is a pretty common name, Kaplan is a pretty common name. There’s a guy who has Mikekaplan.com spelled normally, he’s a wildlife photographer, and that’s not me, but I thought about trying to team up with him at some point and do some funny photos – I didn’t think of that until now. But uh, I was a teenager, and I saw that Prince changed his name to a symbol, and I thought that’s weird, I like that, I was a weird kid, and I decided I was going to change my name to something, and I was like ‘My...k’ and someone’s like ‘why not a Q’ and I was like, even better, and it was just a whim and I started doing it at this arts camp that I was at and then I just told people about it and did it in college and then when I started performing it seems like a useful if not confusing stage name.

AU: How did you get into comedy?

MK: I got into comedy via music actually, I wanted to be a singer/songwriter. I taught myself guitar in high school, my parents were music teachers, I played the violin, I didn’t like it, but I enjoyed the guitar, it was easy to pick up because of the violin learning that I’d done. So I started writing songs and enjoyed playing them, and some of them were funny so I was looking in college to get out and play at like coffee houses or other clubs and bars that would let me in, but none of them would let me in until I was 21, but the one place that did was a comedy club called the comedy studio, so I was like hey can I play some funny songs here and they said ‘we can give you seven minutes’ so I was like that’s not a lot of time, I didn’t realize that was a regular amount of time for comedy, but you know, music, you’re like I’m gonna play for an hour, whatever. Bu I went there, I played a couple songs and then I basically, I’d go back there as often as they’d have me, which was sometimes once a month, sometimes not for several months, and eventually I was kinda like enjoyed doing the non-music portion, just talking to the audience, trying to make people laugh, and I realized, hey I could do this without carrying a guitar around, so I started writing more jokes and then focused on trying to get a set together where I didn’t need a guitar and then I was doing comedy.

AU: How would you describe your comedy?

MK: Uh…with words, that’s my hilarious answer to that. I guess, I don’t think a lot of people like to describe their comedy, I think I’d rather have other people do it, but then other people do it and it’s like ‘eh, that’s not right.’ A lot of it is word related, I got a masters in linguistics and because of my interest in language, and so I think that comes through in my comedy. There is some portion of word play in it, but I try to back it up with substance as well. There’s some politically motivated, but always, also some funny motivated, some pop culture related, I watch a lot of movies, I read things, and I talk about anything that interests me, talking about religion or comic books or movies or my vegetarianism, anything.

AU: Do you have a favorite contemporary comedian?

MK: I have a lot of favorites, I don’t know if that’s helpful. The people that I think of first are Paul F. Tompkins, Louis C.K., Doug Stanhope, Brian Regan, Andy Kindler – another guy that I like a lot. There’s a lot of guys I like for lots of reasons, and those are some of them.

AU: Do you have a favorite all-time comedian?

MK: I’ve always said, Mitch Hedberg, initially, and he’s sort of like frozen in time, because he’s not longer with us. I’d obviously be curious to see what he’s doing today. But yeah, if I had to pick one, he’s usually the one that I pick.

AU: Have you been heckled, do you get heckled, and how do you deal with that?

MK: Hey, I don’t come down to where you work, and no…and ask you if people heckle your paper. Certainly over the past 7 years that I’ve been doing comedy, there are heckles, I mean there’s all kinds heckles, which you learn. At this point, I’m pretty calm about it, I don’t have any expectations about any specific show. If I was taping a tv show and someone yelled something about, that’s just sort of unacceptable. I was actually at some of the Comedy Central presents tapings last year, at Anthony Jeselnik and Doug Benson’s taping. I was sitting way in the back, and right behind us, there were these two girls that were just yelling stuff, and I don’t know if they could hear on the stage, but eventually Anthony from the stage was like ‘shut up.’ It can be, but it’s not really meant to be any part of anybody’s comedy. Nobody is like ‘c’mon in and heckle.’ It would be really weird for that to be… it’s usually just drunk people, I’d say, the majority of heckling is just drunk people or people who don’t know what’s expected or supposed to go on. A lot of clubs will have an announcement beforehand that says ‘hey, if you heckle we’ll ask you to leave.’ Some people get confused when a comedian does talk to the audience, when they’ll say ‘hey, what do you think about this?’ you know, or if he’s just asking a question and they’re like ‘oh, we’re having a conversation, I’ll just keep talking.’ And it’s just a misunderstanding, normally, and so what I’ll do is talk to the person honestly and briefly and be like ‘hey, I’m here to say funny things and you’re not, so I appreciate your interest in talking, but don’t, please’ and you know, try to say something briefly, informatively, humorously, you know, confidently, and then get back to it.

AU: Do you have a favorite comedy festival?

MK: The biggest one that I’ve been to is Montreal, I just went there this year. It was sort of, obviously a goal, it’s one of the bigger one’s industry-wise. I would say, if I could only have done one festival, that would be the one to do, but I’ve also done the Boston Comedy Festival a good number of times since I’ve lived in Boston for most of my comedy career, I do enjoy - I like going back there to do that, and when I was living there it was always a great time, people would come from all over the country and there would be a lot of camaraderie in Boston.

AU: Do you have anything else you’d like to promote?
MK: I would say anywhere the internet has the ability to put in a name, you can probably put in my name and find me. I try to put everything up on my website to say when big things are coming. I have a friend named Mika Sherman and we host shows together sometimes, we do some musical comedy together.

AU: I saw online that you have done work for Pizza Hut and Subway, are you looking forward to a lifetime supply of either product?

MK: I’m not actually, I mean I’d be happy to. I’m a vegan, I do eat Subway’s vegetable sandwiches, like if I’m on the road somewhere, like if I’m on the road in the middle of nowhere and there’s only fast food or like you know, a… like I was in, I drove through Louisiana once and I said ‘hey, can I get spaghettis without meatballs’ and they’re like ‘well, it’s made of meat, the spaghetti also’ I was like uh, oh, and there’s subway all over the country, so I do actually stand by my support for Subway a lot, as far as what they’ve done for me, so I would be happy to eat a lifetime’s supply of vegan subway sandwiches if there was also nothing else available to eat.

AU: As a Jew in New York, do you have any reaction to the Ronan Tynan scandal?

MK: I would say… that’s it’s a stupid thing to say to somebody that you don’t know… I’m not a fan of ignorance for ignorance’s sake in general. You know, I understand if you’re a crazy old Jewish lady, I think the things that are objectionable are being crazy. Like I hate those crazy people, not I hate those Jewish people. He should have said. ‘as long as you’re not crazy’ that’s fine, you don’t seem to be. It certainly seems like a foolish thing to say and as far as how big a deal it is and how blown out of proportion it should be, the more people who know about you, and the more famous you are, then certainly the bigger deal it is to the public that, you know, you think are do certain things, whether it should be that way, but if the paper’s gonna run with something… if I was moving into an apartment and somebody said, ‘as long as you’re not one of those crazy jews’ I’d be like ‘no, no, I’m just one of the normal ones’ I’d probably tell friends about it and I’d twitter it, and it would get around eventually.

Sex Rehab with Dr. Who?

2009-10-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

So I was flipping past VH1 the other day and I saw a teaser for a show with people talking about sex. Mind you, this could qualify as any current reality-based show on that network, so I waited a few seconds, and there it was: Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. First thought: Good Lord! Second Thought: Are You Kidding Me? Third Thought: Of course not, you're VH1.

Here's the deal. A few years back, VH1 hopped onto the reality television craze by adding celebrities to the formula. But not just any celebrities; has-been celebrities. Those who were popular 10 to 20 years ago. Those who were on Baywatch, and pro wrestling shows, and Baldwin movies. Those who, shall we say, have enough free time and lack of current employment to be in a reality show. That's not really the point, though. The point is, VH1 had the Surreal Life, which was a take off of the Real World, but instead of regular annoying people, they brought in the celebrity annoying, and watched as chaos ensued. I actually enjoyed that show. Then they brought in Celebrity Fit Club, which took all those fat, out of shape, washed up celebrities and tried to get them in shape. Oh, but wait, they can't get into shape, because (dramatic pause) they're on drugs! Oh goodness, the suits took two steps back and though 'What do we do now? Here's an idea, let's put the addicts in a house, like the Surreal Life, but we can't use that name, so we'll just be more to the point. They're in Celebrity Rehab, which is similar to rehab but with more famous people and cameras. And we'll bring in Dr. Drew for good measure.'

A side note: I used to think Dr. Drew was a pretty cool guy. He was a younger, cooler doctor who knew about teenage sex problems and was there to help. He was on television late at night with Adam Carolla and various punk musicians no less, but he still knew what he was talking about. So I thought he was cool, and was doing a public service. But after the 18th show about famous people with health issues, I'm sort of beginning to think he's milking the cameras and the attention. I'm just saying.

So back to Celebrity Rehab. This show was an abomination. A horrible sight to see. Apparently they didn't have enough washed up celebrities to put on camera, so they had to bring in fake one's like Rodney King. I'm sorry about what happened to him in 1991, but that doesn't make him a celebrity. So he's there and then various models showed up. I know, models on drugs? What sick, bizarro world is this? Even drugged out Jeff Conaway showed up, and by showed up I mean was pushed out of a moving car by his girlfriend on her way to wherever she goes in the morning. Jeff Conoway, who apparently was in Grease 30 year ago, is in his 50's and moves like he's been hit by a car. Maybe he has, who am I to say. His body is ravaged by drugs and it's very sad, but somehow he and the cameras find their way towards one another time and time again. The point being, this collection of decrepit, screwed-up, non-celebrities is no place for a television camera, unless those cameras belong to VH1. I saw a few episodes of this program, and after watching a few zombies go through withdrawal as the camera rolled, I felt impure and had to change the channel.

This all brings us to Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, the latest installment in the Dr. Drew/VH1 chronicles. As it turns out, this particular rehab program will be with regular people who suffer from sex addiction, not celebrities, because that would totally distract from the addiction itself. No one wants to see a sex addicted celebrity - and by no one I mean everyone. Unfortunately I don't know a lot about sex addiction, having never experienced it. I figured it's like being an adult film star without the money and the cameras and the three other people.

David Duchovny is famous for being in the X-Files and being an admitted sex addict. He is not part of this program, which is a good thing. It would be a better thing if no one was a part of this show and VH1 stuck with slightly less cringe-inducing programming. I will take the woman now known as 'New York' and Kevin Federline trying to lose weight any day over people using their addictions for fame and fortune.

Monty Python and the Holy Reunion

2009-10-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

The British Comedy troupe known as Monty Python turned 40 this year. This makes them a cougar, and by the transitive property allows them a TV show with Courtney Cox on ABC. The Independent Film Channel would have none of this, and stepped up to the plate with it's airing next week of a special documentary: "Monty Python: Almost the Truth (The Lawyer's Cut)" to coincide with their reunion in New York and acceptance of a BAFTA Achievement award.

I had the privilege of attending the premiere of the film, and I even planned ahead six months ago and bought Michael Palin's book: "Diaries 1969-1979: The Python Years." I've read at least 10 pages of it, enjoyed it, and thought 'can't wait to interview Michael Palin on the red carpet.' This particular event was as packed as your usual big name movie premiere will be. It wasn't quite "The Day The Earth Stood Still" frenzy-like, but it certainly had more energy than Michael Moore's film, which is impressive because it was bloody cold out (add to that wet and rainy). I stood next to my friends from LAist.com and NY Examiner.com, and got ready for the onslaught of celebrities. The tip sheet included such luminaries as Whoopie Goldberg, Steve Coogan, and Graham Chapman. Funny story about Graham Chapman, to quote a Python line: ' he has ceased to be, he is no more.' He passed away in 1988. So one out of 3 ain't bad.

The first pseudo interview was with the guy from Iron Maiden, you know him, that guy. Anyway, I didn't, someone told me who he was, so when he got close enough I stuck out my microphone and listened to what he had to say. His name is Bruce Dickinson, but I didn't ask him anything - call it a senior moment.

Next up was the guy from Mad Men, you know, that guy. Actually I sort of did know who he was even though I don't watch the show. He is Rich Sommer who plays Harry Crane, and this is what he had to say:

After Mr. Sommer and I parted ways, a group of caucasian men walked our way. I didn't know who they were - and then it dawned on me, they were The Whitest Kids U Know:

And then there was a pause, not a long pause, but one of those the-people-we-want-to-talk-to-are-busy-with-real-media-outlets pauses. But then, the lovely Carol Cleveland showed up, and by lovely I mean she looks good for someone in her mid-somethings. Carol is known as the female python, i.e. the sexy blonde bossomy woman who served as the comic foil to the troupe itself. She was in the Arthur Pewty sketch, and the milkman sketch, and a few others. Needless to say she was wearing a very thin skirt, good for us, not so good for her.

Here's a clip with Carol from Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.

and a short sound bite from Carol in present day.

By this time, the rest of the Pythons not named John Cleese and Eric Idle were lining up nearby. First we had Terry Jones, who played a pivotal role in the famous Spam sketch. My friend Tom at LAist.com stole my question about his favorite tv shows, and he said he didn't watch any tv, so that killed that topic. Here's the rest of what he said.

His friend Terry Gilliam was up next, Terry is best known as the American Python member and chief illustrator of the group. He is the one who came up with the giant foot often used to end Monty Python sketches. He appeared to be cold, chilly if you will, and most of his answers invoked exactly how cold he was.

The Terry's headed inside, and then the Michael showed up nearby. My original plan was to whip out my book and get him to sign it, but due to contractual agreements and my hands being too cold to do anything but hold a mic and a recorder, I didn't leave my position. Tom at LAist.com again began the questioning, and then Jeff at the Examiner jumped in, and I think at one point there were the 3 of us jockeying for a soundbite, and a confused Michael looking a bit like his cousin Sarah when asked what books she's read. We finally got to him, I asked him what his favorite sketch was and if he had any side projects to promote, and here is what he said:

Following Michael Palin, we had Eric Idle and John Cleese rushed by us. It's never very nice to grab the stars of the show and rush them by the little people in the press line, but that is exactly what happened. The event staff said they would return, and they did, sort of. In the interim, Steve Coogan, known for his roles in Tropic Thunder and Night at the Museum, came by the carpet. It was whispered that Mr. Coogan, despite being a rising British comedy star, is not a fan of the press line. Could this be true? Yep, he's not, but fortunately John Cleese was nearby and did a silly walk over to us for a few questions. I had a bunch to ask him, but this is what I came up with:

Ladies and Gentleman, Steve Coogan and John Cleese:

Speaking of Eric Idle, oh no, wait, he went inside.

Legends of the Fall

2009-10-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

Last week I had the opportunity to attend the 24th annual Great Sports Legends Dinner, a charity event to support the Buoniconti Fund, a foundation to find a cure for paralysis due to spinal cord injury. The events honorees were sports legends Troy Aikman, Clyde Drexler, Mike Piazza, Ivan Lendl, Rusty Wallace, Brett Hull, Dara Torres, Pat Day, and Chris Waddell.

As a member of a relatively unknown web magazine, I was asked to stand in a relatively unknown section of the red carpet - the very end. This is good and bad - it's good because you are the last interview and there is no one else jockeying for position, and it's bad because there are 15 photographers trying to man handle you as they jockey for a photograph. There were no punches thrown, although I had my Roger Clemens mask handy in the event that I could egg Mike Piazza into a reenactment of the 2000 World Series. For those of you who missed it, 'Roid Face Roger tossed Piazza's broken bat to Mike while he was headed to first base, and trouble ensued.

Fortunately Mr. Piazza was accompanied by the lean, mean, swimming machine Dara Torres, and well, she has a way of pacifying the situation. First up though, was Troy Aikman, Dallas Cowboys Hall of Famer and current broadcasting booth buddy of Joe Buck. I wanted to ask him all things football, like do you ever listen to anything that Joe is saying, or do you zone out like the rest of America? I could have asked him if Jessica Simpson is in fact banned from the new Cowboys stadium, or if she has had trouble fitting through the entrance gate due to her recent weight gain. See how that works? The stadium is f'n HUGE and she still can't get through the door. For more on Troy, take a listen to the interview below:

(Please view www.youtube.com/aullian to hear Troy Aikman, Clyde Drexler, and Buzz Aldrin sound bites - until I get the kinks fixed).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-U1s1v1nyI

Next up, we have Trailblazers and Rockets legend Clyde "The Glide" Drexler. A member of the Original Dream Team, Mr. Drexler has kept a fairly low post-NBA profile, sticking to color commentary of Houston Rockets home games. He has not showed up next to Ernie Johnson on TNT, nor has he showed up at the Basketball Hall of Fame and given a bitter acceptance speech. , just a very good basketball player. Below is a litte chat we had on the red carpet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMP5Xzg6Uqk

After Mr. Drexler, I saw Mike Piazza standing in the distance. He was next to Dara Torres, and I really wanted both of them - and I thought I could do a joint interview, but sadly, the PR people saw otherwise, as did the photographers lunging across the red rope. That's the other thing about this particular red carpet, you had members of the media and then you had 30 fans waiting in a 2 foot area with all types of sports memorabilia. I was waiting for the moment when the blob of fans fell forward onto the carpet, destroying all life its in wake - didn't happen. Anyway, so Mike Piazza came by, and all I could think to say was "So, the Mets still haven't retired your number, whatsupwidat?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2yqPZzuKEU

From a distance I saw the man who invented "the killer crossover," and his name is Tim Hardaway. The best thing about interviewing Tim Hardaway is that he is in my height range, and we had a good eye-to-eye conversation. And he said he could teach me the killer crossover, which was very generous of him, but not very true - not that he couldn't do it, that I couldn't learn it.

An All-Star point guard for the Warriors and the Heat, Tim was part of "Run TMC," the backcourt trio of himself, Chris Mullin, and Mitch Richmond that reaked havoc on the Western Conference in the early 90's. Tim is best known for his superior ball handling and his " I got skeelz" ad campaign of the early 90's. He's also known for an anti-gay rant he did during a Miami radio station interview in 2007. He later apologized for his remarks, although in contrast, Shaq never apologized for asking Kobe how his ass tasted. Below, Tim Hardaway speaks:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvJQkLT_j4Q

The evening's last chat was with the astronaut Buzz Aldrin, yes THAT Buzz Aldrin, and his lovely wife ?uestlove, I'm just kidding, I didn't catch her name. I had the opportunity to speak with Buzz at the red carpet for the Christopher and Dana Reeve foundation, so needless to say, Mr. Aldrin is a very charitable man, and he has that ferocity that only comes with being a serviceman and an astronaut. He is also the star of a youtube video where he is punching a guy in the face - the punchee being a conspiracy theorist who accused him of faking the moonlanding. Some people deserve punches in the face.

More from Buzz Aldrin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ury4XCEPGr0

For more information on the Marc Buoniconti Fund please check out http://www.miamiproject.miami.edu

Mr. Zane and His 'Toberfest

2009-10-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Germany brought us Oktoberfest, and America has now brought us Zanetoberfest. This event, this amalgamation of drinking, eating, singing, dancing, and balcony sex (huh?) is the fine creation of one Zane Lamprey, host of “3 Sheets” and the Fine Living Channel, host of nothing important except for “3 Sheets.” Once upon a time, on a network called MOJO, there was a show called “3 Sheets.” This show, hosted by one Zane Lamprey, an American comedian, consisted of following his Zane-ness from continent to continent, observing as he mixed and mingled with the locals to find the best and most intricate drinking traditions on the planet. Think of “Insomniac with Dave Atell” but with more culture and less fraternity members. The show was intriguing, if not only for alcoholics, but not enough to keep it on the air, or its network for that matter. “3 Sheets” was gone, toast, done, washed up, or was it? Perhaps not, as The Fine Living Network - not just the Living Network, the FINE Living Network, picked up the show and gave it life. Not only that, it also gave us Zanetoberfest.

This festival and party was held this past Saturday, October 3rd, at the M2 Ultra Lounge in New York's Chelsea District. Let me just say that having an nightclub host a beer fest in the middle of the day where they let in everyone who they wouldn't let in at night is a feat unto itself. With lines out the door, Zanetoberfest brought out men, women, and some children to pay homage to their favorite TV host who wasn't copulating with his (female) staff.. I shouldn't say that, maybe he was. The festival brought out the Ya Ya Ya's, complete with drunk accordion playing lead singer. It brought out the costumes, and the drunks, and all 5 living fans of the Fine Living Network. Mr. Zane pleased the crowd with his stand-up set, chronicling how drunk Americans stack up against drunk members of every other country (surprise, surprise, we pail in comparison to the Irish and the Croats). There were complimentary drinking glasses, which get people like me in trouble. Mentally you think you've had 3 glasses of beer, but from a measurement standpoint you've had 8, and when you're in the mens room trying to hook up with the urinal, people tend to stare. The mens room attendant said he'd seen worse, and then he demanded $50 or he was going to the Post. There were complimentary t-shirts, which would have been more complimentary if the 50 people standing in front of the stage hadn't obstructed the trajectory of the t-shirt cannon (i.e. guy throwing t-shirts). There were stickers, and flashy lights, and pendants, basically everything you get at your freshman orientation, but with more alcohol involved. There were, get this, blonde women dressed in - it doesn't matter what they were wearing, they were blonde women, duh! I even met a fellow Boston sports fan, in the center of New York, how zany is that? Pun intended.

Oh, Mr. Letterman.

2009-10-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

He's buddy, he's my pal, he's my platonic friend - okay that's not at all true, but he is David Letterman, and he's hogging the spotlight again. It's not that Dave wants to hog the spotlight, as a matter of fact, watching him, you get the idea that he hates the spotlight with all of his being. He is a curmudgeon, he is grumpy, he doesn't seem like a happy guy - and it's widely known in entertainment circles that he, well, isn't a happy guy. So last night on his show, he added to his mystique as a real-life comedian, a guy who goes through some untoward situations that most other late night hosts would not even come close to (we hope) - for no other reason than because he is who he is.

Before we go into last night's show, there have been a few other sobering Late Show moments in recent memory, when Dave had to veer from his desk monologue and be serious with the audience. The first came after his heart surgery in 2000, when he had to take a few months away from his desk and relinquish his show to repeats and guest hosts. When he returned, he came on, and was a little teary-eyed when he thanked the doctors and nurses who save his life. It was a tender moment as he realized he was lucky to be alive, his father having passed away from similar health issues.

The second was the week after September 11, 2001 - when the terrorist attacks were still fresh in the air - literally. Dave just sat there and said they didn't have anything to joke about except Paul's lack of hair. As he memorably remarked ' If we live to be 1000 years old, will this ever make any goddamn sense." No humor, just passion and concern.

After that episode, a reprieve of sorts until early 2005, when a handyman at his house in Montana was arrested for conspiracy to kidnap his then toddler son, Harry, along with the nanny, for $5 million ransom. Dave came on the show, and without getting into any details, took a brief moment to thank the law enforcement agents who had successfully protected his family.

It would appear that everything in Letterman land was all well and good, controversies behind him, until Sarah Palin and daughter reared their ugly head in the summer of this year. Letterman made a somewhat inappropriate joke in his Top Ten list - it really wasn't inappropriate, he said that her daughter who had been knocked up during the campaign had been knocked up during the 7th innning stretch by A-Rod. The daughter is 18, and it was known that she was having irresponsible sex with her then boyfriend, Levi Johnston. But Sarah Palin needed to get her name out there, so she complained about the joke and called Dave a pervert, and he was forced to apologize on-air for the poor taste in humor. If you ask me if was poor taste in wanting attention for sucking as a politician, but I digress.

So Dave got that out of the way, even used it to his own comedic advantage, as would be the case when comedians offend someone. He was riding high, he had kicked Jay Leno to the curb, or at least NBC did, and his ratings were topping those of the Conan-led Tonight Show. And then this, the 'bombshell' or at very least surprising revelation that Mr. Letterman was the victim of extortion because he has had sex with his staffers. So if you're a Dave fan and loyalist like myself, all you can do is laugh, and think, what next? I know he's not the nicest guy, he has a reputation for being a jerk and abrasive, and a lot of his interviews become contentious because he doesn't let people get away with anything. Think Bill O'Reilly and Joaquin Phoenix. And now we have Dave stuck in a scandal that he usually makes fun of other people. He was sleeping with his staffers while dating his current wife, Regina, for 20 years mind you. I think if you're dating someone for 20 years - you should be a little suspicious, there might be reasons for non-commitment.

His on-air apology, while getting a little too common in recent years, was both sobering and entertaining. He explained in not so many words, that he was ashamed of his behavior, all of his behavior- he was filled with midwestern guilt, and just wanted to move on to protect his family and his workers. It's known through and through that he isn't the nicest person, he probably has a very unpleasant side - and we have no idea how he treats his underlings. The fact that his staffer, Stephanie Birkitt, who he used to call up on the phone and bug to do favors for him, is involved in this scandall, is creepy to me. But then again, there are many untowards events and relationships at late night television shows, so I guess it shouldn't be all that suprising.

His apology seemed sincere, and heartfelt, and lord knows the drama he is going to be going through now that this episode has hit the newsstands. As Dave himself might say, "I wouldn't give his troubles to a money on a rock."

Raw is Sharpton

2009-09-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting watching television the other night, and I flip by the USA Network and I see a promo for their WWE Monday Night Raw program, and it says “Hosted by Al Sharpton.” Whu-whu-whu- what? Are you kidding me?

Let me back a bit. Pro wrestling is not what it once was. The current audience is not the audience it had during the reign of Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Wrestling has always been the red-headed stepchild of professional sports. I'm not saying people don't watch it or enjoy it, but it's not mainstream and it's not water cooler talk. ESPN never covered Stone Cold giving people the stunner and then dumping beer on their face. I used to watch wrestling when I was a toddler, I thought it was fun and entertaining. Then I stopped, and then I picked it up around 1998, when they had Wrestlemania in Boston. I was a pretty fervent devotee for about 6 good years after that - I thought it was awesome and great drama. I knew of no one else who watched it like I did, and I knew there was a reason for that, but nonetheless, I enjoyed what I saw.

So what happened was, Stone Cold Steve Austin got sick of his company, and his injuries, and called it a day. He was the quintessential good guy with a bad attitude, anti-establishment. He didn't like his boss and he liked to drink beer and whoop ass. Who wouldn't like that? And then The Rock came along - Dwayne Johnson to you “The Mummy Returns” fans. The Rock was brash and knew how to deliver a promo like no one else. He wouldn't just say, “Your mom is fat.” He would say “ Your mom is fat, she's so fat, The Rock is going to come to your house, The Rock is going to knock on your door, if the door doesn't open The Rock will knock your door down, The Rock will come inside your living room, The Rock will have have a beer with your dad, The Rock will flirt with your sister, and then The Rock will find your fat ass mother, take off his size 15 boot, turn that sumbitch sideways and shove it straight up her candy-ass!” Or something to that extent. But The Rock also decided to call it a day and went Hollywood, and so went the ratings for the WWE.

And that brings us to today. Recently, WWE decided that they would have guest hosts for their flagship program – Monday Night Raw, in what can only be a desperate move to garner ratings. I understand that it might be seen as a good way to have celebrity tie-ins to events and promote through word of mouth. If you haven't been watching wrestling before, though, you're not going to start because Carrot Top is standing in the ring. Unless you want to him get hit with a metal chair, that's different.

They've had Jeremy Piven, Shaquille O'Neal, and I think K-Fed so far. That's fine, they're all entertainers (sort of) and they can do what they want. The problem I have with Al Sharpton hosting is that, well, he's The Reverend Al Sharpton. Tonight he was billed as “the controversial and outspoken reverend.” Great, so are Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter. And Glenn Beck, minus the reverend part. Should they all guest host the show (again, yes if there are steel chairs involved).

Back to Reverend Al. He is a supposed 'civil rights' leader, a leader of urban renewal and social change. And yet, anytime a TV camera turns on, anywhere, he goes out of his way to be in front of it. Even Jesse Jackson knows not to do that. He got more publicity and public viewing out of Michael Jackson's death than most of the Jackson family. If he wants to promote education and empowering children with Newt Gingrich, great, do that, just don't do it on a wrestling program. There are certain proper outlets for promoting causes and implementing social change. Monday Night Raw is not one of those programs.

Red Carpet Capitalism

2009-09-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

Not all red carpet events are created equal. Some are great big, large, fancy events with bright lights and fancy stars. Others are events with bright lights. And so goes the premiere of "Capitalism: A Love Story," Michael Moore's newest project and indictment of the U.S. Financial system. Held at the new Alice Tully Hall at Lincoln Center, this particular event did not garner quite the hype that an actual Hollywood film or blockbuster might, and understandably so, but you never know. No big press check-in line, no long wait to get credentials, not even a scrum for a position on a the carpet. While this sounds all well in good for those of us eager to get a good soundbite or three, it also tends to translate into no big names showing up for a premiere. The stars who did show up, Chef Mario Batali, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock, and Michael Moore himself, made themselves available for sound bites. There was a Wallace Shawn sighting, yes, Wallace Shawn of the Princess Bride fame. I'm sure he's been in other things, but he will always be the guy from the Princess Bride. Hey Wallace, can we get a quick "Inconceivable?"

First up was Mario Batali, chef extra-ordinaire, and his orange crocs. Yes, that's right, he wears orange crocs. Nothing wrong with that, they are perfectly comfortable shoes, it's just amusing to see anyone on the red carpet wearing crocs, unless its fashion week - and then still amusing but understandable. But that's okay, let him wear his funny orange shoes, he's Mario Batali and he makes an amazing lasagna (so I hear). Next was Morgan Spurlock. Well, that's not entirely true, Wallace Shawn walked by - but Wallace Shawn did not seem in the best of moods, and we let him on his merry way (didn't really have anything to ask him, anyway). So Morgan "I like McDonald's" Spurlock was up next. He's a fellow documentary filmmaker, and one of those guys who likes to get dirty with his work, or at the very least eat crappy food for 30 days and see what happens. I want him to do a similar "Supersize Me" but with alcohol, I don't know what he'd do, except drink a lot and have a camera recording it. Maybe he would be obscene and profane and puke a lot, although that would make him Andy Dick. I'm just saying, it would be entertaining to me. Similar to that one episode of Kenny vs. Spenny on Comedy Central where they have a drinking contest but one of them gets non-alcoholic beer. Ha. Back to Morgan, the guy next to me asked him what he'd like to focus on next, and he said porn.

After Morgan there was a lull, and by lull I mean no one else was there. Michael Moore showed up early, but of course he has to give 30 minute sound bites to any and all reporters. Nice of him, but there are others waiting and we can't all be CBS Newswire, can we? So we waited, and we waited, and then I saw Christopher Meloni of Law and Order fame, and I think he was about to walk down the carpet, but he saw Michael Moore hogging the attention and he went inside. So we waited again, and Mr. Moore sloooowly made his way to the rest of us media peons, i.e. the radio and websites that don't have national acclaim yet. He finished talking to Yahoo! News and then was hurried away, but not before I got to ask him my very well thought out, educated, concise, inspiring, congenial question. I asked if he would run for public office. He chuckled, and said no. Fortunately I ran into him again at the after-party and got a more thoughtful answer, and his pick for the World Series.

So, on behalf of Michael Moore, go check out "Capitalism: A Love Story" in theaters this week.

Emmy versus Jerry

2009-09-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, you have to choose between an awards show that you're not interested in and a football game you don't care about. The Emmy Awards are cool, you get to see your favorite television stars win awards and make silly acceptance speeches, some more entertaining than others. Sometimes the host even does a good job, sometimes. And then there is a football game, between one team you don't like and another team you don't care about, but it's being played in the world's largest stadium, deep in the heart... of Texas - and you don't want to miss that.

Jerry Jones built a colossal stadium for his football team, so f'n big one has to wonder if Mr. Jones is making up for some insecurity, be it physical or mental (I'm sure he can ask his friend Bob about Enyzte). This is one HUGE stadium, the standing room plaza can hold the population of Vermont, which is both unnecessary and silly since most Vermonters aren't huge football fans.

So there's this gigantic stadium with this colossal hi-definition television hanging over the field that is placed just in the right spot so it becomes an obstacle course for punters. The stadium is so big that John Madden can sit in the luxury suites and the building doesn't begin to tilt. What I'm saying is, it's a big stadium. So if you're me, and you like a big stadium and fancy cheerleaders on pseudo-stripper poles, you say, "sure, i'll watch them cowboys against them giants and hope for the best."

Or maybe you want to watch Doogie "Neil Patrick Harris" Howser and his attempt at hosting an awards show. Truth be toldm, NPH did a good job, and I think awards show producers are figuring out that you don't necessarily need or want a comedian to host everything. Ellen Degeneres has hosted the Emmys, and let's just say her own batch of humor is good for her show, but not necessarily other shows. Chris Rock hosted the Oscars once, and while he is a funny motherf*cker, the audience isn't really looking for jokes or brash racial humor, they're looking for awards and winners and good musical numbers.

So Neil, like his Oscar counterpart, Hugh Jackman, put in a strong showing and kept the energy focused on the awards, and not lame jokes or weird introductions. He was even allowed to poke fun at the winners and losers, like when Jon Cryer won for '2 and a half men' and they did a short bit of 'bitterness' schtick. Not hilarious, but a good break from "it was an honor to be nominated and i share this with my fellow nominees" There is no sharing in Hollywood, unless you are Charlie Sheen or one of his hookers.

CBS even went so far as to preview the upcoming presenters with a chyron, similar to the "New at 11" graphic you often see at the end of 10pm shows - a clever way to keep things going. Ultimately, they had enough funny presenters and winners who know how to entertain the audience and make the show not boring. Ricky Gervais did his bit about why he seems like an attractive man in the Emmy crowd, as opposed to the glitz and glamour of the Oscars - and he has point, albeit a drunken one.

On the comedy side of things, the one that really matters - to me at least, 30 Rock and The Daily Show were the big winners. They seem to be the awards show stalwarts, i.e. if there is a category with either show in it - that show will win. I was hoping, although I knew it wouldn't happen, that The Family Guy would win something, anything. It's a tremendously offensively funny show that never got to go mainstream - and I would love to hear a Seth McFarland acceptance speech.

Oh yeah, and the Giants beat the Cowboys 33-31 in the final minute. A closer game than I thought, but when your team is down and looking for a comeback, don't go to Tony Romo - he's busy removing his " I Heart Jessica" tattoo.

North By Kanye West

2009-09-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

So this isn't quite as topical because it occurred 4 days ago, but it still rears its ugly head from time to time, especially now that Mr. West's tour with Lady Gaga appears to be in question. You see, Kanye seems to have jumped his own shark in this instance. It used to be that awards shows needed that 'gimme' moment, that 'oh my god did you see that?" Something unscripted, unexpected, and surprising. Whether it be from a performer, presenter, or audience members - awards shows have always lived off spontaneity, or wanted to, for fear of coming off as boring.

The MTV Awards are no different, in fact, viewers might say MTV needs something like that of Kanye West's antics to keep interest in its network alive. MTV hasn't shown music in quite some time - sure they have a music countdown in the morning, but that's really it. The rest of MTV is bad reality shows - Real World Cancun, are you listening?

So the awards come around this year, and people are hoping for the best. It's difficult to keep something fresh that no one really cares about, but it's worth a shot. So they line up Russell Brand, that wiry, irreverent, somewhat obscene British comedian. He's more profane than Chris Rock, but fortunately for the censors nobody can understand any of his off-color comments, so he's safe. They bring in Janet Jackson, for another tribute to her deceased brother - although I did enjoy her dancing with Michael on the screen, and it was a touching moment, regardless of how you feel about the Jackson family. Even Joe Jackson put down his belt and bottle of Cristal to applaud his daughter. And to top it off, they bring in Kanye West to - well, okay, they didn't really bring him in for anything, except to possibly accept an award.

And here comes the Kanye train, ready to steamroll through any and all award show recipients. I almost expect him to show up at the Kennedy Center Honors in December and explain why Eddie Murphy deserves the honor over Mel Brooks.

The category was best female video. The nominees were Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and Taylor Swift, and a few others. The winner, deservedly or not, was Taylor Swift, who I would like to say has been brought to us by the people at American Idol - but she hasn't, so I can't. Taylor won, she hopped up on stage, and then unbeknownst to most everyone watching, so did Kanye West - who promptly grabbed the mic and made his announcement. Here is the kicker - it wasn't even his category. The only thing more tired than interrupting an award recipient in a category that you lost is doing it in a category that you weren't in. It's basically beyond lame, rude, and childish - which coincidentally was Kanye's Facebook status after the show.

This isn't the first time Kanye has pulled this act, so what are we to blame it on? Should we blame it on the a-a-a-a-lcohol? (his publicist thinks so). Kanye, in his Tonight- sorry, sorry, in his Jay Leno Show apology seemed to blame the act on his mother's death, even though she was alive the last 5 times he's jumped onstage.

Should we say, to coin a phrase, he's got a really big ha ha ha ha ha... tendency to embarass himself?

Shaq Versus

2009-09-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

There once was a 7-1, 330 pound man named Shaq. He rapped, he danced, he acted, he policed, and occasionally he played basketball. He won 4 NBA titles: 3 with the Lakers, 1 with the Heat. He feuded with teammates, coaches, and his wife. And then, he had enough.

Well, that's not entirely true, but he did have enough of competing with people close to his own size, and he said 'Screw this, I'm playing volleyball, or football, or baseball, or boxing, or swimming.” And he did. Sort of.

This summer, Shaquille O'Neal brought us 'Shaq Vs.” The show is him competing against the top athletes in other sports, including Misty May Trainor and Kerri Walsh, Oscar de la Hoya, Ben Roethlisburger, Albert Pujols, and Michael Phelps. If he wanted a truly entertaining show he would have gone for tennis and hockey. He may have hurt himself in the process, but don't tell me it wouldn't be fun to watch. You root for the Cavs, I root for the big man stumbling around a rink wearing skates.

Nevertheless, Shaq Versus works because, well it's Shaq. He is a large and talented athlete, but he is charismatic and he is a goofball. He does nothing that would make you take him seriously, except for his dunking and winning of championships, and his work as a sheriff in the Orlando area. He was in 'Kazaam,' he rapped with Fu Schnickens, and now he has decided to prove his worth against his fellow elite athletes. The three sports that come to mind where Shaq would have success are volleyball, boxing, and football. Volleyball because he's tall and mobile; football because he is large, tall, and fast; and boxing because he's big and quick (their new album hits stores this month).

To date, the two most intriguing installments of this program have been Shaq versus Oscar de la Hoya and Shaq versus Michael Phelps. The boxing matchup, or mismatch as it were, proved to be the ultimate display in boxing technique. We were all waiting for Mr. O'Neal to take his size advantage and wallop Oscar de la Hoya. It never happened. They bumped and weaved and faded and ducked, and in the end, de la Hoya proved the be the winner. There was no knockout, THAT would have been great – but there is a reason de la Hoya is one the greatest boxers of all time.

Shaq versus Michael Phelps. Let's just say that no one has ever looked at him and accused the big man of being a competent swimmer. But being up to the challenge, he even went the distance and fit his extra large frame into one of those special speedo suits – not laugh out loud funny, but a sight to see nonetheless. Because Mr. Phelps is a 13-time Olympic Gold medalist, Shaq was given the handicap of using 3 assistant swimmers to help him compete, just to level the playing field a bit. It was sort of level, but not level enough to matter to the Baltimore Bullet, and he beat all four of his opponents in a come from behind victory. And then he did a cannonball off the diving board, all 7-feet, 300 pounds.

Next up can we have Shaq Versus Tony Hawk, please?

In Hall of Michael Jordan

2009-09-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

I used to hate Michael Jordan. When I was growing up, he was public enemy number one. I'm not quite old enough to recall in great clarity the great Celtics and Lakers battles of the 1980's - I know they were great, but I don't remember sitting in front of a television watching them. I do remember however, when Michael Jordan would come to town. This was around '89 - '90, after he had been in the league a few years and was gaining momentum as a truly great player. This was also around the same time that the Big Three, and more specifically, one Larry Legend, were losing their momentum. They had won their 3 championships and dominated the front lines of the NBA, but they were slowly getting old - Larry with his bad and ankles and Kevin Mchale with his ankles and knees. There was now a new force to be reckoned with, and his name was Michael Jeffrey Jordan.

Jordan had scored 63 points against the Celtics in a playoff series in 1986, still the playoff record for single game scoring. He was seemingly unstoppable, and very difficult to beat, and that is why whenever he came to town, people showed up to watch him. I remember sitting in my living room with my dad, watching Celtics games, and specifically Celtics vs. Bulls games. My dad would guffah everytime MJ scored, or stole the ball, or did whatever he did - usually scoring. My mother, because she doesn't know any better - would sit and say 'boy, is he good." This irritated the hell out of me, and I would ask her to be quiet on more than one occasion. The rule is: if he's not wearing green, you can't say he's good - it's just that simple.

I remember that morning in 1993, when I was getting up for school, and my dad yelled up the stairs ' guess who retired, and it's not one of the Celtics." I was sort of stuck in a mental lapse, someone retired, not on the Celtics? I couldn't think of anyone currently in the NBA whose retirement would be a major announcement. I paused - and then I said "who?" "Michael Jordan" was the bellowing response from the kitchen. I paused again, wow, Michael Jordan, this is a great day for the Celtics, I thought to myself. Meanwhile, when I got to school, that was all the buzz. My friend Ziv, a life long Bulls fans - he's from Israel so really he shouldn't be a Bulls fan, I don't know why he's a Bulls fan, it doesn't make sense that he's a Bulls fan, but, alas... he's a Bulls fan. Let's just say that Ziv and I spent many a homeroom, social studies, science, math, geography, recess, debating the merits of MJ versus Larry Bird. We never tired of it, even if our teachers did, as a matter of fact more often than not we deliberately debated this topic to piss them off, sort of like showing off in front of your parents because you think you know something - or maybe not.

Mr. Jordan preceded to retire, only to comeback to the Bulls in 1996, win a few more championships, retire again, then return to basketball with his team the Wizards, but this time with no championships, more of a slow fade into retirement, without all the fanfare and winning. Let's just say Brett Favre would have more Facebook friends if he had taken a page out of Michael Jordan's retirement plan, instead of improvising with his own sordid maniacal excuse for one.

So this all brings us to today, the second Friday in September, when Michael Jeffrey Jordan has entered the Basketball Hall of Fame. Being a tad bit more mature than I was in 1993, I can respect his achievements in the game of basketball even if I will never put them above one Larry Joe Bird of French Lick, Indiana, 3-time NBA Champion and League MVP, the man who famously hit his head on the floor in the playoffs against the Pacers, only to come roaring back out of the tunnel ala Willis Reed, and win the game. Oh right - back to Michael Jordan. He was inducted this evening by David Thompson, the pre-Michael Jordan at North Carolina, and I have to say, he is a smart and funny guy. He thanked all those who had challenged him, told him he wasn't good enough, didn't let him play when he wanted to, even thanked the Hall of Fame for charging $200 bucks a seat. He personally thanked the man who made the high school basketball team instead of him, explaining how that snub pushed MJ to prove that a mistake had been made. He even thanked Bryon Russell, formerly of the Utah Jazz, and also the man whom MJ faked out to hit the last second shot against the Jazz in the 1998 Finals, his last championship. He thanked him for saying that he could guard Mr. Jordan. "Remember that" he asked John Stockton, his fellow Hall enshrinee, and also the other Utah guard on the floor at the time of Michael's shot. Stockton begrudingly recalled that moment. Talk about being competitive.

Hellooooo Mr. Wilson

2009-09-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

Last night as President Obama was delivering his major speech on healthcare reform to joint houses of Congress, including members of the South Carolina legislature. One of these fine young gentleman, Representative Joe Wilson, well let's just say he came down with a case of political touretts, being the condition where you yell out things during a presidential address while he is standing 50 feet in front of you.

President Obama was speaking about a clause in the health care bill that some have taken as saying that the bill will provide health insurace to illegal aliens, or 'the illegals' as some of us refer to them. This has been proven to be not true, but you know those hasty conservatives, they love to jump on false information and spread it like - well, false information. So, let's just say, to be fair, that the bill Obama is proposing may or may not offer health insurance to illegal aliens. Let's just give that one to the Republicans for now, the new question is - is it appropriate in any form to interrupt a President's address to the union.

I am sort of on the fence about this one. In the grand realm of things, yes, it is good manners to not interrupt a public offical, be it the president giving a speech or Paula Abdul explaining why she isn't voting you to Hollywood (when the meds wear off she will make sense, I promise.) While in the Senate chamber, while disagreements are allowed, most members of Congress know how to sit still and be silent or maybe clap while the President reads his remarks. Democrats were able to do this for all 8 years, that's right folks, 8 whole years of stupid W. speeches, anecdotes, confusing answers to questions, smirks, winks, giggles, looks of confusion. They behaved themselves that whole time, not one outburst - I think the only recorded Democratic outburst took place after Hurricane Katrina when Cheney went down to New Orleans to speak with reporters and some passerby told him to go fuck himself - and for all we know it could have been Chris Brown talking to Rihanna.

The point being, I don't feel that absolute decorum is as necessary in the chamber of politics as everyone else does. If you have ever seen the British House of Commons - occasionally playing on C-SPAN, you will see all types of interruptions, hecklings, boos, and what have you -and it's great TV! The Prime Minister gets up to his lecturn, and begins discussing the issues of the day, and then people in the opposing party yell and scream at him to shut up - and it's his job to talk over his opposition until they shut up or quiet down, whichever comes first. But it's politics at it's best, and it's a free for all. Most importantly, there are no physical altercations (that I know of), it's not in Japan where yelling leads to screaming leads to fistfights leads to caning, it's good old-fashioned yelling and screaming and telling your buddy across the aisle that he's a moron and he's unAmerican - sort of like Fox News here in the states.

But I digress. This whole 'heckling' of the President made me think about something. Wouldn't it have been nice, during any point of George W. Bush's presidency, if during any one speech, a member of the Democratic Party would have stood up or just yelled - "You Lie.?" I'm not saying it's appropriate or in conscious with good manners, but in this case, if someone had yelled that - they would have been right.

The Return of Jay Leno

2009-09-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

Jay Leno returns to NBC this coming Monday with The Jay Leno Show: buyer beware.

A quick disclaimer: I am a total Dave loyalist, always have been, probably always will be even though Jay Leno and I share a hometown (Boston) and a school (Emerson).

Regardless, it is more or less agreed among comedy enthusiasts that through and through, Jay Leno isn't funny. He's amusing, he's cute, he'll get a chuckle out of the audience, but he's not 'funny.' See, as I learned from the Letterman taping, the audience has to cheer and be excited for absolutely EVERYTHING: a sneeze, a cough, it really doesn't matter, one moment of excitement lapse and you are outta there. So, the same thing applies for Jay Leno's show. Jay Leno goes through his dialogue, usually not that funny, and then does a series of segments that are, well, easy humor. 'Jay Walking' is Mr. Leno going around with pictures of famous people and asking passerby's who they are. Colin Powell? no idea, Michelle Obama, couldn't tell you? Joe Biden, who? Oh, wait that's Ryan Seacrest, definitely Ryan Seacrest... hilaaaarious! I honestly feel like any chump off the street could go around with pictures and make a funny or snide remark about the general lack of knowledge in America, it doesn't take a $30 million contract with NBC.

The issue with Jay will be, can he attract a younger comedy audience to the 10pm slot, usually reserved for dramas. The answer, I think, is no. He will certainly get the 60 and over crowd, which is usually reserved for 60 minutes, and no comedy shows. He won't get the younger crowd, the crowd that usually starts watching television at 11, and probably starts with The Daily Show and then maybe heads to Conan or Letterman. I just don't see him bringing in a huge audience. He's not edgy, he's never has been, never will be. In this day and age, you have to be an edgy comedian to succeed, unless you're hilarious without being edgy, which some people are - like Zach Galifiankiasksksk (sp?), but usually not. The reason Dave has succeeded all this time is that he likes to stir things up, be it with Rush Limbaugh, Madonna, Bill O'Reilly, or Sarah Palin. Dave likes that combativeness that he can get out of guests - he likes a duel if you will. Jay Leno would never pick a fight with anyone, which is fine, but in comedy, sometimes fights are good. Dave is happy to tell someone to go fuck off if he things they get too much airtime for their stupidity, Jay just sits back and giggles nervously.

I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher last night, and Jay Leno was a guest, which is a rarity. Bill Maher is a fairly serious, edgy comedian, he is far edgier than most - and it shows on his program. Bill tried to ingratiate Jay on the show, making a reference to Governor Mark Sanford and his Argentina affair, and Jay attempted to take that off and running, saying 'it's great, you tell your wife you're going for a walk, and you go to Argen-Teena, Argen-Teena...' and then he did his high-pitched laugh... and the audience groaned. Oh well, nice try, see you at 10pm.

Boston Comedy Festival

2009-09-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

This past week I had the opportunity to attend two nights of the Boston Comedy Festival with WCBS Radio's Brandi Thompson, one of the judges. Since I don't normally attend comedy festival's under the 'VIP' status label, this was a fun event to be part of. Taking place at The Hard Rock Cafe, under the guidance of Jim McCue, the 10th running of the festival appeared to be a good place for rising comedians to work their stuff and see if anyone notices. According to Jim (a fine TV show, FYI), the comedians we saw were 1/3 of those who submitted material. Needless to say, those who made it through really had to show their stuff.

As someone who might label himself a student of comedy, or knowing what makes someone funny and someone not - I sort of have this test for individuals to see if they really know what they are talking about - or at the very least, have the chops to do it. The test is - if you get up on stage and have a list of material you want to use, if someone or something takes you away from that list, can you still entertain the audience? Call it improvisation, extemporaneous-ness ( is that a word)?, or whatever - but if you are up there telling jokes and then a heckler steps in, can your sense of humor and stage presence let you take that person down without ruining your act and/or your train of thought. The most famous recent example of this - a comedian going totally off-script and being hilarious, is by Billy Burr in Philadelphia. Long story short, Mr. Burr had a routine all ready, but when the drunken, riotious Eagles fans stepped in, he went off his act and ripped into them for 10 minutes - it was hilarous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S4nSzE4N-o

So what does that have to do with anything? Well, the two comedians that stuck out the most to me, and obviously advanced to the next round, were Alvin David and Harrison Greenbaum. First, we'll start off with Alvin David. He has a dark spiked hair, he's Italian, and he's really funny. I would hate to start re-telling his jokes and screwing them up, so I won't. But as he said 'I've had a ton of women, okay that's not true, I've had two, but they were both really heavy.' But aside from that, he has that good comic energy, the energy where you just keep going, you don't really wait for the audience to get the punchline, and eventually the rhythm of your act keeps the audience laughing and wanting more. There are some comics that give you a good laugh, and then some that get you slapping your knees, clapping, and if you're me - fidgeting in your seat because your body is contorted from laughing so hard. Alvin David is that comic.

Now for Harrison Greenbaum. Harrison is a skinny kid, Harvard-educated, and bases a lot of his material on being an effeminate heterosexual, and that he has a Harvard degree and now he does comedy for a living - his parents are proud. But aside from that, let's just say that when he starts with his magic routine, all hell breaks lose. It's pretty straightforward, but it's really funny.
Or maybe it's the yelling and the screaming that follow that make for the laughs. It's difficult to say, but after he does a pretty impressive trick, and the audience looks at him look warmly, his 'are you fucking kidding me? I went to Harvard and now I do this for a living! this is what I do, do you know how fucking awesome that trick is? you should be standing me and thanking me for doing it!" That's to paraphrase, not an exact quote so I'm not stealing his material - but needless to say, Harrison is a funny guy who almost made me spit out my Sam Adams - and I don't easily spit out a $7.50 Sam Adams.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF8Tan_6pL8

Good luck to all the comedians - hope to see you at a comedy club in the near future.

An Ode To Teddy...

2009-08-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

Edward Moore Kennedy past away this week. He was 77 and had been battling a brain tumor for 15 months, many more than he was expected to battle it. He served in the United States Congress for 47 years, representing the great state of Massachusetts. He was as much a fixture of Boston as the John Hancock Tower, The Public Gardens, and Faneuil Hall.

I never met Ted Kennedy - well okay, that's not true, I met him in 2002 when he spoke at the dedication to the Joe Moakley Cancer Center, a part of Boston Medical Center (my mom works there). I was in a big crowd of people, he had his handlers, he found my mom, and she grabbed him - as she is known to do, and then began introducing him to her family. He said hi to my dad, and sort of grabbed my hand and then my sister's hands - I think he was preoccupied with how cold it was and getting in doors, but as I recall, he said 'Adam, congratulations, very nice, good for you.'

He and my mother worked together for many years as part of the health care lobby. Her job was to run a hospital and get money for it - his job was to represent her interests in Washington and get money for it - so they spent a lot of time in meetings, both in Boston and D.C. As she recalled this week, he was the very first person to call her when my grandfather died in 2005, the very first - he beat out everyone else. You'll hear stories about how he was always the first to make the phone call.

In our house in Brookline, we have a picture of him and my mom, all smiles, with an inscription thanking her for her dedication to healthcare. In our Cape house, we have a painting of his boat, that he made for us, with a similar inscription to my mom, thanking her for her work. When people visit my house, they stop by the painting, and they admire it.

Teddy K, despite his personal mistakes and tragedies that he endured, he certainly dedicated himself to his family, his city, his state, and his country. For that, he is a national idol, and he will be missed.

Letterman Tickets

2009-08-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

The first rule of Letterman tickets is that they are free and fairly easy to come by. This, however, does not make the process of ascertaining them any easier. The first time that I requested tickets, it was 1995, and I was in high school and I thought it would be really awesome to just request them - having no real intention of getting to New York, be it by plane, train, or automobile. So I requested them, they came in the mail, and I put them on my bulletin board as a shrine of sorts to Mr. Letterman.

Fast foward about...oh 7 years, to 2002. I am now a senior in college, and the idea is that I will request them and then head to New York for spring break. Who goes to New York for spring break? no one, except stupid me with my stupid idea for Letterman tickets. So I request them again, and they ask you a trivia question that's fairly easy, and are you absolutely sure you can make the dates given? So here's the deal, I wasn't absolutely sure, and they haranged me and said that if I wasn't sure I ought to not request tickets becuase it goes against their policy. So I found this to be snobby and obnoxious and, how can I say this - lame. It's free tickets for crying out loud. So, I never made it down to New York to see Letterman, oh well.

Oh but wait, there's more. Fast forward again, or should I say creep forward to 2003 (I think). By this time, I have friends in college who now live in Connecticut, and I have a car - and low and behold I can totally drive down to the CT and then we can take the Metro North in and go see the show. Excellent! Or so I think. So we have the tickets, my friend and I head to the Ed Sullivan Theater. I say to myself, this is the first official time that I am going to see David Letterman, and with my luck I will be sitting in the back of the balcony. So we get in line the first time around to get the tickets. They have these interns, we'll call them pages, they have Late Show jackets, the whole gettup. Their job is to be perky and excited and full of life and energy, sort of the opposite of David Letterman (I guess if they stood out on the sidewalk and were rude and snarky, people would start calling the police). So anyway, these interns explain the deal about being really excited and perky and just in love with the concept of going to see David Letterman, and they let you in the theater - and oh did I mention that I was sitting in the back of the balcony? That's right, back of the balcony, can't see a thing, not even the monitor that will help me see a thing. Nothin'...

So what this brings me to is my most recent David Letterman attendance. I got the tickets probably 3 weeks prior to the show, and the nice woman, for the purposes of this blog her name will be Schmisa - she leaves a message saying she got my ticket request, can I please call her back. So, I call her back, she asks me the trivia question, I get it right, and then she asks me about my guest - Brandi. She says, are you absolutely sure Brandi can make it on that date? I say yes, I'm sure - she says, are you absolutely sure that Brandi can make it on that date? I say yes, I'm sure - she says are you absolutely, positively, resolutely, supercalifragilistically absolutely positive that Brandi can make it on that date? I say, 'well when you put it like that, I may just have to check." So I check with Brandi, and it turns out, she isn't free for the show, so I have to call back and change my guest. I change my guest and I call back Schmisa, and now the fun starts. I say Brandi can't go, but I have a replacement, and this woman loses it and says 'I told you last time that isn't what we agreed to, you can't change your guest.' (note to self: we didn't agree on a G-D thing). So being the nice person that I am, I apologize and say that if I can't replace the guest, I will just go myself. She says fine, and then starts taking information, and then pauses, and says 'you know what, let me check with my supervisor, because we usually don't this, but maybe they'll make an exception." So I wait, and then, low and behold, she says that they normally don't do this, but will make an exception for me. So this leads to two issues: a) why do I care that you're making an exception for a free ticket? and b) should I really be THAT grateful for it? For those of you playing at home, the answer to both is NO.

So, we arrive to pick up our tickets, we get our tickets, we get the lecture on why this is the best thing ever in the history of entertainment and we need to be super excited to be there, we are then asked to return in one hours time, at which point we are whisked back into the theater, then lectured AGAIN about how happy we should be to be there, we are let into the theater, have really great seats - the show starts, cameras are in the way, can't really see anything, Renee Zellweger comes out - she's boring, next is Gary Mule Deer - oh, you mean you haven't heard of him? nobody has. End of show. Thanks for coming.

And THAT was my Letterman experience. Maybe I should just stick with Conan - oh wait he moved.

:-(

Ocho-Sucko

2009-08-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

Here's my problem: I don't like Chad Ochocinco. Ok, let me rephrase that, I don't like that his birth name is Chad Johnson and now his new name is Chad Ochocinco. No, his mother is not Mrs. Ochocinco, he is not a member of the Ochocinco clan, and he ain't Spanish, that's for sure. Mr. Ochocinco, as he is now known, is an eight-year veteran of the NFL and plays wideout for the Bengals of Cincinatti. Sure he's good, he's been to the playoffs, and yes, he is self-aggrandizing as many athletes are - but he changed his freaking name to something stupider than his original name, not that Johnson is a stupid last name, but at least its' a name, not a number.

The reason I hate this is that now people have to refer to him as Chad Ochocinco, he's listed in the NFL Directory as Ochocinco, reporters have to call him Mr. Ochocinco, when he calls up Verizon for assistance with his internet connection, the guy on the other end has to say 'and is there anything else we can assist you with today Mr. Ochocinco?" You see, it's just dumb, plain stupid. It's reminiscent of one-time XFL player Rod Smart - incidentally the XFL was a one-time pro football league, but that's another story. Anyway, Rod Smart had permission from the league to put 'He Hate Me' on the back of his jersey, you know, to ruffle the competion - which it did to an extent that all the competition was forced to return to its day jobs when the league folded.
My point being, that was stupid in 2001 - this is stupid in 2009.

Healthcare and Hitler

2009-08-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

So I've decided... and this decision has been very pressing and has eaten at my inner soul, that the Republicans and some of their followers are sore losers. When I say this, I don't mean ALL Republicans, because I know people who are registered Republicans and they are decent people, they just have a different political view than myself, which is fine - and I don't want to vilify anyone for their personal beliefs. I do, however, want to express my grievance with select individuals who call themselves Republicans and then go out and do horrendous and atrocious things - and no I'm not talking about Michael Vick.

You see, the United States, or as they say in French, L'etats Unis - we need a better healthcare system, it's very straightforward - the one we have doesn't work, it hasn't worked in quite some time, and it needs to be overhauled. President Clinton asked his wife to fix it back in 1994, and the response to her idea was similar to her response to the poor student in the Congo whose question got misenterpreted. She got dissed, she was not well-liked, except there was nothing lost in translation in 1994 - the plan just didn't happen.

So we fast-forward to 2009, and yay we have a new President, and yay he's African-American, and yay his policies are socialist and similar to those of one A.Hitler of German fame...wait, what? Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either. I guess, what happened, in a weird sort of way is, some people are just so upset that A) we have a Democrat in the White House B) he's black and C) he's smart so they can't relate to him, that they have to throw a summer long hissy fit about anything he does. His health care plan, and I am not going to explain it here, but if you want a really good, sensical explanation of it, check out Whitehouse.gov (I hope that's not a porn site), has been knocked down by conservatives, which is fair. What isn't fair, and I guess we owe this to Sarah Palin, because she's so stupid and pretty that no one knows what to do with her (I'm guessing they keep her around, hoping she might cheat on her husband with one of them), but I digress. What isn't fair, as I said - is this Hitler comparison. I understand that people may not like his health care policies - but as it turns out, most people don't like it because it has the word 'Obama' in it. Most of those people, when given an explanation of the policies, don't think it's so bad - and then its embarrassing because they have to turn around and go home and try to catch a cab with a swastika poster while wearing an SS uniform, it ain't easy, folks.

So as I was saying, the very fact that Sarah Palin had the gaul to invoked the phrase 'Death Panels' into our verbal lexicon to give her supporters something to chew on is appaling and shameful. The fact that there are individuals who show up to town meetings, which were intended to be a forum for public discourse and debate, with nazi images and make comparisons to the Third Reich, is beyond the realms of human stupidity and indolence. It's upsetting, but it's more amusing to me that people who are older than 5 years old think this type of behavior is accceptable in a democratic society. The reasoning seems to be ' I don't agree with you, so I'm throwing out the Nazi bomb and then running to my rat hole,' it just doesn't make sense.

In closing, I recall during the Bush years, administration officials were very selective about whom they let into town hall meetings and public rallies, i.e. no anti-Bush supporters. People decried this as undemocratic and unfair. In retrospect, it may not have been such a bad idea.

:-)

To Favre or To Vick... that is the question

2009-08-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

To begin this tale, our protagonists are one Brett Favre and one Michael Vick. Now, the easiest thing for me to do is say that I don't think either of these men should be playing in the NFL anymore. One has retired too many times and ruined his legacy, the other has killed, maimed, and tortured dogs, and well... ruined his legacy, and you would think his chances of being a professional football player. But alas, we are confronted yet again, as preseason gets into full gear, with the prospect that both of these quarterbacks will be playing in the league again come September.

Let's start with Mr. Favre. He retired, and then he took it back, and then his team didn't want him, so he said 'ha! i'm going to the Jets' and he did go to the Jets, and he sucked sucked sucked! Okay, that's not true, but if you get a Hall of Fame quarterback on your team, you kinda sorta maybe hope that your season will end with the playoffs and some sort of trophy - oh but it didn't. As George Constanza once said 'But ya are in the shackles... aren't ya?"

So Brett led the Jets, and then he wasn't sure how his shoulder felt, since he is 87 and sometimes when you get that old your shoulder is like 'yeaaaah, no, - I don't wanna throw no more.' But that has not yet been good enough for Mr. Favre, you see he's so gosh darn competitive (egotistical) that he thinks he should always be playing, for whom it doesn't matter - he would even go so far as to play for his formers teams chief rival. Imagine if Larry Legend came out of retirement to play for the Lakers, just to spite them for his alleged 'mistreament,' how do you think that would go over? But Brett really wants to play, even though he says he doesn't and wants to spend time with his family - and by his family he means large men in cleats and athletic supporters who like meat. So, supposedly he might play, which means that he could play, and if we're all unlucky, he will play. I really hope he doesn't play, but on the bright side, if he does play, ESPN will actually have to do some real reporting and now just sleep outside his house waiting for news on if he will play again. I'm just sayin...

An aside: here is what may or may not be the conversation between Brett Favre's publicist and the good people at ESPN.

Publicist: Hi, is this ESPN? Hi, it's Brett's publicist, I was wondering if you had room on SportsCenter for a Brett story?

ESPN: Um... another one, didn't we just do one? Didn't he say he was retired and wasn't coming back?

Publicist: Well yeah, but that's just because sometimes he doesn't take his meds and he gets very undecisive, ya know? He's back on his meds and he's pretty sure he's coming back, so can we do a story on it?

ESPN: Yeah I guess so, but how do you know he's coming back? Is it for sure?

Publicist: Ha, is it for sure? when have we ever done anything for sure? anyway, we got two Vikings players to say that they know Brett will be back this season, and we' like to run with that.

ESPN: wait, 2 players, which 2 players, do we have names?

Publicist: Really? names? can you name 2 players on the Vikings, can anyone? Here, let's say Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper suggested Brett might be playing or the Vikings this year.

ESPN: um, neither of those players play for the Vikings anymore, how about we say Sage Rosenfelds said it?

Publicist: Sage Rosenfels? are you serious, what kind of name it that for a football player, sounds more like that name of a rabbi? Did you make that up?

ESPN: no, that's his name, he's one of the Vikings starting quarterbacks.

Publicist: Sure he is, sure. Anyway, let's just say an unnamed source said that Brett may be playing this season, no need to go making up names.

ESPN: great, that sounds fine, we'll put it on the 6pm SportsCenter. Talk to you tomorrow.

And now for a word about Michael Vick. Mr. Vick was released from his 2-year prison sentence and re-instated into the league this summer, and then just last week signed with the Eagles as the backup QB. This is his second or third or fourth chance, who really knows, but needless to say, it is a hot topic in the NFL. I would say, and I have debated this, that he doesn't belong in the NFL. Yes, he did his time, but he also funded and committed heinous acts of cruelty towards dogs, and only showed remorse once he was looking at his life in an empty prison cell.

Some will say this is his second chance at life, and it is, but the issue is, isn't freedom the second chance, isn't not being in jail the second chance? I don't think that, necessarily, someone who tortured and killed animals deserved to be back in the NFL, even if they were in prison. I feel like Mr. Vick should have the opportunity to work again, and redeem himself, but that doesn't mean he should get his million dollar contract back. There was a sign on TV that said 'Give Vick a 2nd chance... Burger King is hiring." While comical, I feel that that reasoning rings true in this case. He has a second chance at life, of being free and getting the opportunity to come to terms with what he did and hopefully redeem himself. Playing in the NFL is a priviledge that few get, and most will tell you, once you make it to the NFL, it is your goal to stay there, because players come and go quite rapidly. Vick had his chance, and he blew it, and not only did he blow it, he did so while committing heinous acts against animals, and knowingly continued his behavior until he was arrested and sent to prison. So remorseful, sure. Seeking forgiveness and freedom? obviously. But reclaiming a role as a starting and/or back up quarterback upon your return to society - I feel like the boundaries for forgiving our athletes has been breached, and only time will tell how significant his return to society can be.

Las Ve Gas

2009-07-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

So here's the deal... Las Vegas is about 30 hotels stacked together in the middle of the desert, there is literally nothing else there - how people survive, I suppose they just drink a lot, fall asleep, and then drink some more - and somehow their bodies sustain themselves. So the last time I was in Vegas it was 1994, I was 14 and had no legal rights to do anything, and therefore I don't remember anything of significance - I remember the Caesar's Palace fountains, but that's about it.

So fastforward 15 years, I'm allowed to do ANYTHING I want to do, but where do I begin? Well, in Vegas, what you do is, you wake up, hopefully at a reasonable hour, you go to the buffet and eat TOO much, and then you sort of walk if off over the course of 2 hours. There is now a Las Vegas Monorail, which is very helpful, albeit a little pricey, but no more tracking down a cab and attempting to give correct change with a tip. Just hop on the rail and hopefully get to a spot close to your destination. So you pick 3 or so hotels to see in one day, and there is a lot of walking and looking - there IS gambling, but what they did with Vegas is, they took out most of the seediness and built these mini amusement parks in each hotel, so you get to spend time looking for things to do at each place - and there in lies the fun. Oh yeah, did I mention the drinking, you can drink whenever, wherever, with whoever you want, it's just that accessible.

So... there's plenty to do, and unfortunately that's sort of the downside, there is TOO much to do. Every hotel has at least 3 or 4 shows you'd like to see, Cirque de Soleil alone has 6 shows in Vegas, so really - you have to pick and choose about what you really want to see and then hopefully get tickets. So, I was fortunate enough to see the Amazing Johnathan, who performs almost nightly in a gay nightclub - it's impressive, because he gets away with doing like 2 or 3 tricks in an evening, and the rest is sort of a stand-up routine with a guest from the audience. The biggest, or should I say highest thrill for me was the Insanity ride at the top of The Stratosphere Hotel. Somebody, rather smartly, built a hotel with a tower attached, and on this tower there is a viewing area, as well as three rides. The only ride that I knew would not make me pass out was the one known as Insanity, where I giant claw lifts you up and dangles you over the side of the tower, and then spins you in a circle - sort of the same experience I've had when intoxicated.

Strip clubs? we didn't quite make it to those, they have been relocated, although the nice Peruvian men and women who came to American in search of fame and freedom, well, they pass out little pornographic business cards with women doing things I didn't know were possible.

Ah Vegas!

Musical Mayhem

2009-07-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

We begin this post with our visit to Chubby Checker and his Midsummer Night's Swing showdown throwdown (his performance isn't called Swing, but it's the name of the event at Lincoln Center). Anyhoo... the Brandster and myself had the pleasure of interviewing Mr. Checker about his life, his career, and music. He's a nice guy, although still bitter about what he perceives as a racist music industry - and who I am to disagree with him, although..well, I do disagree with him. The topic was his music, but delved into white artists getting more airplay. Ex: 'Why can't the rappers do a show? Eminem can do a show, why can't the other rappers do one?" My answer to this would be that they can do a show, and someone MIGHT get shot, but the show will go on. There were also comments about Britney getting more airplay than Beyonce, which, again, I don't think is true - but he is Chubby Checker and I am not, and what do I know? As a parting gift, Mr. Checker gave us t-shirts, chocolate Checkerbars, and Checkerbar Hats, so c'mon baby, forget the twist, let's move some merchandise!

From Mr. Checker, we moved onto Mr. Matisyahu, or Matisyahu as his fans call him (or Mitsiyeehoo as my dad calls him). Side note: in 2005 while trying to get through my master's program at Emerson College, I attempted to do a video project on Matisyahu on his influences in the hasidic reggae community. Long story short, after much thought, that idea was abandoned in favor of the more local Ju Tang Clan, a nice group of Jewish rappers in their own right, and the rest is history. The point being, I've always wanted to meet Mr. Yahu, and this week I finally got my chance. Oddly enough, I wasn't nervous, neither was he - he sat on his couch with his cigarette, I sat on the chair with my video camera, and WCBS 880's own Brandi Thompson asked her always insightful questions. I had my own questions, but of course, I forgot to mention to ask them, and now I will never know how it feels to be the front runner in an otherwise unknown music genre (hasidic reggae).

But I can guess it feels pretty flip flammin' awesome.

We interviewed, we shook hands, we got pictures, I was giddy on the inside, but calm on the outside - as was Matis. He seems like a nice jewish boy, but then again, find me a reggae artist who isn't?

Thoughts on Mr. Jackson (not Jesse)

2009-06-29T10:10:00.001-07:00

So... it's been 4 days since Michael's passing, and how are we coping with the loss of the King of Pop? It's difficult to say. You see, on the one (ungloved) hand, it was a surprise, but was it a shock? I don't think so. Mr. Jackson wasn't in the greatest of health, he was trying to reclaim his once immense glory that really hadn't been on scale with anything he had done since maaaybe 1991. I do remember when the premiere of 'Black and White' was a national television event, and then there was the backlash against the end of the video, when he went ballistic on a police car. And that was 18 years ago, so you see, other than hiring lawyers and sitting in court rooms, good 'ol king o' pop hadn't been up to much musically in quite a while.

So that brings us to the Michael Jackson tributes, first and foremost the BET Awards broadcast Sunday night from Los Angeles. Supposedly they had been totally revamped since Thursday to make way for MJ honors, however maybe it would have been better to leave the show the way it was. The opening, with New Edition - was okay, it's always weird when, in order to honor a fallen legend, entertainers who were relevant 20 years ago are brought back to sing. Would it have been that difficult to get the rest of Michael's brothers onstage to sing their classic hits? ( I don't think they are that busy). Remember when New Edition morphed into Bell Biv Devoe by way of losing Bobby Brown and that other guy? I think Sunday night showed why BBD was the true talent and Mr. Brown was just an extra who was looking for a platform. What I'm saying is I didn't like New Edition's rendition of the Jackson 5 hits.

In addition to that 'tribute', the show was shaky, with a lot of time spent on presenters trying to catch up with the teleprompter, and thanking Michael Jackson for everything even though their performances sucked. Lil Wayne and Birdman came out to sing a song that was 75% bleeped, and were accompanied on stage by girls- not women - girls, who couldn't have been 18 years old, adding to a very odd and somewhat inappropriate tribute to MJ.

Hopefully the London concerts will fill the tribute void that the BET Awards fell short of.

I'm Irate and Jon and Kate...

2009-06-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

There's no real good way to put this, but the TV duo known as Jon and Kate is maddeningly annoying, obnoxious, and a waste of public resources. I know, I get it, they cashed in on the reality tv craze because they have 8 children and wouldn't it be fun to see the trials and tribulations of two people raising that many kids. It's sort of like the deal with Jim Bob Duggar and his (I think) 18 children - although, they are mormons and therefore have more rules to follow and are slightly more boring. But I digress.

Having seen 1 (one) episode of the show, featuring the Teutel Boys showing off their custom made bikes to the children, all I can gather from the proceedings is that Kate is a real b*itch and Jon does not know what he's doing in a marriage with 8 children. But that's okay, it's a common problem when you marry a woman and have so many children, whoops? who knew - I'm sure there's a Meet Up group for that. So, more importantly, the show doesn't get interesting until there are marital difficulties between the two, and then, uh oh, a very special episode of Jon and Kate, where they announce the separation and show hiatus. Oh, that's fair, that's fine, maybe there were some issues in the relationship, like being married to a bitchy woman and having 8 toddlers and TV cameras following you around. Just a thought.

But here is where the real problem is - the problem that sticks out the most. They are separating and the show is on hiatus, ok great - let's leave them on hiatus, but no no, that would mean there is no media tour and no appearance on The View or Larry King or The Early Show or The Insider or what have you. The media no longer knows how to cover real news, it can only cover made up news that involves people put into uncomfortable personal situations. I don't need to see 'status' updates of Jon and Kate on CNN.com, THAT is not news worthy - it's as newsworthy as hearing the Real Housewives of New Jersey fight about plastic surgery, which was very similar the Real Housewives of New York fight about how famous they each were - it ISN'T news, and shouldn't be treated as such. Yet, we've become such a voyeuristicly (word?) fake culture that we follow made up celebrities and their made up problems - we can't even follow the real stuff anymore.

What I'm saying is... if I never have to hear about Jon and Kate and The Real Housewives of Anywhere, again, I will be, once again, a happy viewer of TMZ. :-)

Biased in Boston...

2009-06-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

So here we are, the Lakers, led by Sir Kobe, have been crowned as the NBA Champs, again. This gives them 15 titles, trailing only Boston (17 titles) as the dominant team in NBA history. This was the title that would take Kobe out of Shaq's shadow, to prove that he didn't need his dominant, mic-wielding, ass-tasting, twittering, sort-of-buffoonish, former teammate to win it all. So all I can say is, good for Kobe, just awesome, really, great. (oh yeah, FU!).

Also we have the story of one Mr. P. Jackson of Chicago, then LA, and now again with L.A. He of the 9 (now 10 NBA coaching titles) surpassing Arnold 'Red' Auerbach as the pre-eminent coach in NBA History. To Phil, I say... wait for it, wait for it... grow back the moustache, your face is creepy. Oh, were you expecting congratulations?

The argument will be, and as in most sports arguments, this one will not likely ever be settled - who is the better coach, Phil or Red? Some will say, and by 'some' I mean, I will say, that Red's mean more because he built his teams from scratch, acting as both the Coach and General Manager, maneuvering and wheeling and dealing to construct his basketball empire. Phil, on the other hand, well he just kind of showed up. He took out his binoculars and saw Michael and Scottie playing some basketball, said 'hey, i'd like me a piece of that' and went over to join them and won 3 championships. Then Michael took his ball and went home, and by 'home' I mean to play baseball, leaving Phil to his devices. Then Mr. Jordan returned, triumphantly, with Phil waiting patiently in his ergonomically correct courtside seat, and they won 3 more. Oh yeah and then he did the same thing in Los Angeles after Shaq was traded in 2000, so you see, he didn't built anything, he just coached really great players - there's a difference.

So, what does all this mean? It means that while Phil Jackson now has his 1o rings, and is undoubtedly a great coach, the fact is... he showed up when the great players arrived, as opposed to acquiring and molding them players - and that is something he will have to live with. Tee hee hee.

P.S. (KG, get that knee healed and shut up all those flaky ESPN pundits).

The Fallon Gong

2009-06-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

If Jimmy Fallon doesn't stop laughing through his sketches, I'm going to ask for his immediate replacement - seriously, if you're going to do a comedy sketch, the point isn't for you to laugh through the whole thing. No one else does that, not ever, they just don't do it, it is doesn't, it is that which is not done in a comedy sketch. It's okay to maybe laugh once, but not throughout the damn thing.

Sincerely,

Angry Adam.

Late Night...

2009-06-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

Conan is 4 nights into his new gig on the Tonight Show, so far - eh, he's doing what he can under the circumstances of the new time slot. He does a lot of remote bits, which are fine, but not necessarily as funny when they are done every other night. Good to see In the Year 2 thou- I mean 3000 back in action, just waiting for Triumph and the Masturbating Bear to make an appearance.

Jimmy Fallon still laughs too much at his own bits, especially when they aren't funny. He goes into the audience a lot, usually not a great idea, since he's not good at playing off the audience. Dave and Conan are good at that, not yet Jimmy's territory.

Craig Ferguson is just a wild and crazy scot, does his own thing, with hand puppets mind you.

No seriously....

2009-01-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

on 1/9/09... I want Cyril the Illusionist or David Blaine to go on Survivorman and compete with Les- so every time he struggles to make a fire in the bitter cold, David Blaine just takes off his shirt, lays it on the ground- and then Poof, a fire spontaneously arrives under his shirt... and then, for no reason at all... David Blaine will levitate.