He arrived. He hung out for a little bit. Now he's gone. But he's not really gone, just you know, gone if you live in Cleveland. If you live in Miami, he's just arrived. Call him what you want, but he is LeBron James and he is the most marketed athlete of our time.
He made his free agency announcement in a live one-hour special, because he is, after all, the King. The King does what the King wants, except win titles, ha! There are mixed reviews on this decision to leave Cleveland. From a business standpoint, and sports is all about business, it makes perfect sense. He needed to be with a title contender. Cleveland is 'close' to being a title contender, but having a bunch of role players to surround your superstar just doesn't cut it. Okay, let's be fair, Shaq is not a role player, but he's 38 and over the hill, and he's not about to win anybody anything in the last 2 years he plays. So Lebron needed help, and it didn't look like the Cavaliers were getting him any. They got Antawn Jamison last year at the trade deadline, and he turned out to be a playoff bust. He may now be the next Cleveland superstar, lucky him.
So LeBron searched high and wide, or vice versa, and had to make his decision. I enjoy that the Nets have an extravagant Russian billionaire owner who thought he could sway the King. Lebron wasn't going to the Nets, or Knicks, it just wasn't happening. They are so far away from being contenders it's not even funny. But best of lucky to the Sexy Serb and his 5-year championship plan - I hope it works (it won't). So LeBron had to go where he thought he had the best chance of winning, and after Bosh signed on, he had 2 of his Olympic buddies on the same team, and the contracts began to fall into place. There is a new 3-headed monster in the NBA, and it's the Miami Heat. This is similar to when KG and Ray signed on with the Celtics, albeit this new monster is younger and has more lift. Although, I do recall in 2004 when the Lakers signed on Gary Payton and Karl Malone to join Shaq and Kobe, only to lose to Detroit in the Finals. Ha!
More importantly than the signing, however, is Lebron's legacy. People are either digusted or appalled at the level of ego that has gone into his team selection, and it is disgusting, but it's also a product of the environment he has lived in. Lebron James has been wooed by the NBA since he was 16. He life has been a media circus. He was pride of Akron and he was destined to bring Cleveland a title. Or so it was thought. You can only ordain someone so many times before they believe their own hype, and clearly Mr. James does. There is no question he is a great player, but is he a great player when it counts the most? He wasn't in the playoffs when he kept getting sent home early, and that separates a great player from a championship player. Clearly he needs the support structure, and now (we think) he has it in Miami. He will be allowed to have an off night. I mean, he clearly has to win the title, but he has a much better chance now than in Cleveland. His eye is on the prize, and the prize may be in Miami.
Now, basketball aside, he is coming off as an egotistical douchebag, and the Heat will be the most hated NBA team next season. Most people normally hate the Lakers, and for good reason. They suck. Now, everytime Lebron takes the court, especially in selected cities, he will be booed out of the arena. The build up to his free agency and the television special, both unnecessary, were a product of the media and an audience who enjoy a spectacle. I expected the fans to be disappointed, although I think owner Dan Gilbert went a little too far with his bitterness. Your star was a free agent and went to a better team, sometimes stars do that. He shouldn't have guaranteed a title for Cleveland before Lebron gets one, that's just dumb. He shouldn't have called Lebron a coward. People use that term for terrorists and gunmen, not free agent athletes. He should have taken the high road and said he was disappointed on the decision but wishes Lebron the best of luck. Or not. Actually, next time the WWE is in Cleveland, I'd like Dan Gilbert to be the guest host so he can cut a promo on how much he hates Lebron and then hit a guy in a Miami Heat jersey with a folding chair. Now that would be spectacle.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Close only counts...
There is a phrase that is often used among sports writers when it comes to describing a close championship game. Sadly, as a Boston fan, I have heard it too many times in the past 3 years. The phrase is: 'Team X was within X minutes of winning a title.' This is to say that a certain team blew a fourth quarter lead and lost the game in the final minutes. It's happened to 3 Boston teams in the past 3 years, most recently the Celtics - although unlike the other two instances, it wasn't an upset, just a very tightly wound game where on team ran out of gas.
I had the unique opportunity of watching the game at work. When I say watching, I mean following the score on ESPN Gamecast. I didn't really want to watch it, I only wanted to witness the score on the Boston side go up. I have seen too many games during the playoffs where sloppy, 'who wants the ball?' basketball takes over, instead of playing the game like a team and thinking before that errant pass is made. For all of his growth this season, Rajon Rondo still displays that 'I'm gonna do what I wanna do' attitude at ill times, like when he throws the ball up in the air and hopes it goes in. I'm sure he practices that shot, I just wish he'd practice a jump shot instead.
So the Celtics were playing sloppy basketball that was winning games, barely. Celtics fans were waiting for the team to re-create one of those blowout games, where the defense takes over and the offense is flowing. Unfortunately for Game 7, the defense took over, but the offense never did. I saw the score tightening up just as I heard people in my office screaming for the Lakers (not a lot of Boston fans in New York). I was trying to avoid thoughts of the game at all costs, but eventually I just had to turn on the TV on my desk and take it in. I turned on ABC just as Derek Fisher set up for the 3 pointer that would tie the game. Here we go again.
So the Celtics lost, and I spent the final, waning moments of their season walking through the streets of Chelsea avoiding the game visuals but frustratingly trying to find the score on my phone. The network was dead, I would have to wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
This will be an interesting season for Celtics fans, because the trade that wiped out the Celtics and brought in two All-Stars had a 3-year window, and now we've reached that point. Fortunately, we do have young stars like Kendrick Perkins, Glen Davis, and Rondo. These players are going to keep getting better, even when members of the 'PGA Tour' retire. That's the good news. We just have to find a team on the West coast that can end the Lakers' reign of terror. The visual of Bill Russell handing any trophy over to anyone wearing Gold and Purple is not a sight I ever want to see again. You got that, Phoenix?
I had the unique opportunity of watching the game at work. When I say watching, I mean following the score on ESPN Gamecast. I didn't really want to watch it, I only wanted to witness the score on the Boston side go up. I have seen too many games during the playoffs where sloppy, 'who wants the ball?' basketball takes over, instead of playing the game like a team and thinking before that errant pass is made. For all of his growth this season, Rajon Rondo still displays that 'I'm gonna do what I wanna do' attitude at ill times, like when he throws the ball up in the air and hopes it goes in. I'm sure he practices that shot, I just wish he'd practice a jump shot instead.
So the Celtics were playing sloppy basketball that was winning games, barely. Celtics fans were waiting for the team to re-create one of those blowout games, where the defense takes over and the offense is flowing. Unfortunately for Game 7, the defense took over, but the offense never did. I saw the score tightening up just as I heard people in my office screaming for the Lakers (not a lot of Boston fans in New York). I was trying to avoid thoughts of the game at all costs, but eventually I just had to turn on the TV on my desk and take it in. I turned on ABC just as Derek Fisher set up for the 3 pointer that would tie the game. Here we go again.
So the Celtics lost, and I spent the final, waning moments of their season walking through the streets of Chelsea avoiding the game visuals but frustratingly trying to find the score on my phone. The network was dead, I would have to wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
This will be an interesting season for Celtics fans, because the trade that wiped out the Celtics and brought in two All-Stars had a 3-year window, and now we've reached that point. Fortunately, we do have young stars like Kendrick Perkins, Glen Davis, and Rondo. These players are going to keep getting better, even when members of the 'PGA Tour' retire. That's the good news. We just have to find a team on the West coast that can end the Lakers' reign of terror. The visual of Bill Russell handing any trophy over to anyone wearing Gold and Purple is not a sight I ever want to see again. You got that, Phoenix?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Lebron-Athon
The following post comes as we approach Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Celtics and the Magic, and the Cavs are nowhere to be seen. The 2009 - 2010 NBA season was supposed to be the season of Lebron. It would be the year that Lebron James captured his long-awaited NBA title, delivering a sports championship to Cleveland for the first time since 1964. Being from Boston, I really don't care that much about other cities championship droughts. The Cubs are the only other team that has a significant championship drought for a team (102 years?), but now that they've been taken over by a Russian Billionaire everything should change, right?
Back to Lebron. I'll be honest, a few months ago I was sort of hoping he would win a title this year so I wouldn't have to hear about his free agency and his not winning one for months on end. But then the C's got better and sunk the Cavs ship and now I could care less where he goes, although it will be a monumental shift in the league.
The tale of the tape is as follows: The NBA is Lebron James. Ever since Michael Jordan retired, they've been looking for the next guy to take over the league. There was Tracy McGrady, then Vince Carter, then Kobe, and now Lebron. As much as I hate Kobe Bryant, he does have the resume to approach Mr. Jordan's, unlike most other modern day superstars of the NBA. So Lebron came along and started winning MVPs, and then the questions becomes, when does he get his first ring. Michael won his first ring after 7 years in the league, and that is the standard Lebron is being measured with.
He has taken his team to the NBA Finals once, getting swept by the Spurs 3 years ago. His GM, Danny Ferry, a so-so player in his heyday, was in charge of getting Mr. James a supporting cast that would help deliver a crown. So Danny went out and got Shaq, who at this stage of his career is that big lug who can take up some space in the paint and attract double teams. Dominant, not so much - that was mid-2000's Shaq, not this current dude. I'd also like to point out that when Shaq was traded from Miami to Phoenix a year go, he famously pointed to his ring finger and said he was brought in to win a championship, I wonder how that went. So back to 2010, we have Shaq, and then at the trade deadline they bring in Antawn Jamison from the Wizards, another pretty good player. The Lebron- Shaq-Jamison connection was supposed to be fortification enough to fight off the Big Three of Boston and the Big Dwight of Orlando. As it turns out, it wasn't. So the mission of 'A Ring for the King' came to a crashing halt in Cleveland a week ago, and now of course begins the Summer of Lebron.
Lebron is a free agent and he has to decide what to do with himself. As Kevin Garnett so aptly pointed out - loyalty can get you in trouble, and possibly prevent you from winning. He should know, as he spent a good 12 year chunk of his career wallowing on a bad team in Minnesota, when he probably had a few chances to change scenery and get on a winning team. He's on one now, but I think his message to Lebron was 'get out while you can.'
The state of Ohio and city of Akron is all that Lebron James has ever known. It is his foundation, and it's where he has his roots. It has been remarked on numerous occasions that Lebron James has had a very sheltered life, being considered for the NBA in his teens, and basically being surrounded by his advisors and agents for most of his 25 years. So the question becomes, do you supplant from your foundation in search of a championship, going to a new team that will give you a better chance at a ring? Conventional wisdom would say, yes.
Where is this new team? Well, the names that have been mentioned are New York, Miami, and Chicago. In New York, well...hmm... other than being in New York, I can't think of anything exciting about being in the Knicks - I'm sorry. Miami has Dwayne Wade, Jermaine O'Neal, Udonis Haslem, and Dwyane Wade. I think Lebron and Dwayne Wade would scare any team - that's a lot of points right there. Chicago has Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah, and Brad Miller. You add Lebron to that, and you get a formidable team. I don't know who Cleveland has because I think they're vetting that sumbitch and rebuilding. They've had their chance, and they blew it. So what I'm saying is, Lebron should sign with the Nets.
The End.
Back to Lebron. I'll be honest, a few months ago I was sort of hoping he would win a title this year so I wouldn't have to hear about his free agency and his not winning one for months on end. But then the C's got better and sunk the Cavs ship and now I could care less where he goes, although it will be a monumental shift in the league.
The tale of the tape is as follows: The NBA is Lebron James. Ever since Michael Jordan retired, they've been looking for the next guy to take over the league. There was Tracy McGrady, then Vince Carter, then Kobe, and now Lebron. As much as I hate Kobe Bryant, he does have the resume to approach Mr. Jordan's, unlike most other modern day superstars of the NBA. So Lebron came along and started winning MVPs, and then the questions becomes, when does he get his first ring. Michael won his first ring after 7 years in the league, and that is the standard Lebron is being measured with.
He has taken his team to the NBA Finals once, getting swept by the Spurs 3 years ago. His GM, Danny Ferry, a so-so player in his heyday, was in charge of getting Mr. James a supporting cast that would help deliver a crown. So Danny went out and got Shaq, who at this stage of his career is that big lug who can take up some space in the paint and attract double teams. Dominant, not so much - that was mid-2000's Shaq, not this current dude. I'd also like to point out that when Shaq was traded from Miami to Phoenix a year go, he famously pointed to his ring finger and said he was brought in to win a championship, I wonder how that went. So back to 2010, we have Shaq, and then at the trade deadline they bring in Antawn Jamison from the Wizards, another pretty good player. The Lebron- Shaq-Jamison connection was supposed to be fortification enough to fight off the Big Three of Boston and the Big Dwight of Orlando. As it turns out, it wasn't. So the mission of 'A Ring for the King' came to a crashing halt in Cleveland a week ago, and now of course begins the Summer of Lebron.
Lebron is a free agent and he has to decide what to do with himself. As Kevin Garnett so aptly pointed out - loyalty can get you in trouble, and possibly prevent you from winning. He should know, as he spent a good 12 year chunk of his career wallowing on a bad team in Minnesota, when he probably had a few chances to change scenery and get on a winning team. He's on one now, but I think his message to Lebron was 'get out while you can.'
The state of Ohio and city of Akron is all that Lebron James has ever known. It is his foundation, and it's where he has his roots. It has been remarked on numerous occasions that Lebron James has had a very sheltered life, being considered for the NBA in his teens, and basically being surrounded by his advisors and agents for most of his 25 years. So the question becomes, do you supplant from your foundation in search of a championship, going to a new team that will give you a better chance at a ring? Conventional wisdom would say, yes.
Where is this new team? Well, the names that have been mentioned are New York, Miami, and Chicago. In New York, well...hmm... other than being in New York, I can't think of anything exciting about being in the Knicks - I'm sorry. Miami has Dwayne Wade, Jermaine O'Neal, Udonis Haslem, and Dwyane Wade. I think Lebron and Dwayne Wade would scare any team - that's a lot of points right there. Chicago has Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah, and Brad Miller. You add Lebron to that, and you get a formidable team. I don't know who Cleveland has because I think they're vetting that sumbitch and rebuilding. They've had their chance, and they blew it. So what I'm saying is, Lebron should sign with the Nets.
The End.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Nick Stevens, Comedy Legend
He is Nick Stevens AKA Paul "Fitzy" Fitzgerald AKA Mr. Townie News AKA my favorite Boston-based comedian. I first heard of Nick when a friend of mine sent me a link to his site: www.townienews.com, where I heard all things Red Sox/Tom Brady and thought it was the best thing evah. I then turned on VH1 and saw Mr. Stevens on Best Week Evah, and then finally I saw a clip that took me back to ESPN circa 2004 and the show Dreamjob. Nick was a contestant on the show that was looking for the next SportsCenter anchor. If I recall correctly, the winner went on to fame, fortune, and a gig as the main anchor on SportsCenter in Kazachstan. Good gig.
So fast fowahd to 2010, and low and behold I'm attending a taping of '12 Angry Mascots' at Comix, and Mr. Stevens comes out with his faux sports anchor and does a comedy bit. It was at that point that I said to myself - I am going to find this guy and chat with him on video camera in the basement of Grand Central Terminal - on Eastah Sunday. And I did just that.
So fast fowahd to 2010, and low and behold I'm attending a taping of '12 Angry Mascots' at Comix, and Mr. Stevens comes out with his faux sports anchor and does a comedy bit. It was at that point that I said to myself - I am going to find this guy and chat with him on video camera in the basement of Grand Central Terminal - on Eastah Sunday. And I did just that.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
A Store Grows in Brooklyn
Well.. not really, more like Herald Square - but you get the drift. The newest Esprit store had a VIP Celebration last night. I was fortunate enough to get red carpet access, even though it was more like red rug (not a lot of room). I don't wear Esprit - which I pronounce E-Spirit because I'm American, and I don't shop a lot, but nonetheless, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ivanaka Trump were advertised, and I have a few questions for Ivanka.
I showed up early - a little too early. I stood next to the photographers who were there and then backed away as I realized I was in the wrong spot. I move to the side, and then ushered my way to the end where they were granting interviews. Here's the thing about these press events - they want press, but they only want specific press, so you have to be important enough to talk to them, even if you have a camea, mic flag with valid website and awesome drinking hat on - you still have to beg and plead to speak with whoever shows up.
So publicist lady comes over and tells us who will be there, and asks who we want to speak with. I'm a flexible person, so I said Macy Gray and Alexis Bledel. So long story short, Emmy Rossum, who is famous for some reason - she comes over and speaks with the guy next to me, and then she's introduced to me, and it's like 'oh shit, I have to interview this girl.' I know who she is, she's a pretty girl, I just have no questions for her, and she could tell. So I have to put my gaydar on (it's never really worked well) and ask her about fashion tips. It's not easy being the straight guy at a gay event.
So Emmy Rossum comes and goes, then Jennifer Love Hewitt shows up - she's actually really cool. And then 30 minutes later Macy Gray shows up. One would think that Macy's would grab onto that shite and have Macy promote Macy's, but let their marketing team deal with that. So she shows up, in heels she's like 6-3, she's a big girl - there are about 10 questions that go thru my head, but I end up going with 'where'd you get your necklace?" And she didn't know, so you know what that gets me? a 5-second clip of Macy Gray going through a period of consternation. Take that TMZ.
I showed up early - a little too early. I stood next to the photographers who were there and then backed away as I realized I was in the wrong spot. I move to the side, and then ushered my way to the end where they were granting interviews. Here's the thing about these press events - they want press, but they only want specific press, so you have to be important enough to talk to them, even if you have a camea, mic flag with valid website and awesome drinking hat on - you still have to beg and plead to speak with whoever shows up.
So publicist lady comes over and tells us who will be there, and asks who we want to speak with. I'm a flexible person, so I said Macy Gray and Alexis Bledel. So long story short, Emmy Rossum, who is famous for some reason - she comes over and speaks with the guy next to me, and then she's introduced to me, and it's like 'oh shit, I have to interview this girl.' I know who she is, she's a pretty girl, I just have no questions for her, and she could tell. So I have to put my gaydar on (it's never really worked well) and ask her about fashion tips. It's not easy being the straight guy at a gay event.
So Emmy Rossum comes and goes, then Jennifer Love Hewitt shows up - she's actually really cool. And then 30 minutes later Macy Gray shows up. One would think that Macy's would grab onto that shite and have Macy promote Macy's, but let their marketing team deal with that. So she shows up, in heels she's like 6-3, she's a big girl - there are about 10 questions that go thru my head, but I end up going with 'where'd you get your necklace?" And she didn't know, so you know what that gets me? a 5-second clip of Macy Gray going through a period of consternation. Take that TMZ.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Olympic Round-Up
Tomorrow night, as far as I can tell, is the last night and closing ceremony of the Winter Olympics. The most shocking event so far? Had to be when the Undertaker burnt his face while entering the Elimination Cham- oh wait, wrong every. Sorry. As I was saying, the most shocking event has to be the death of the Georgian bobsledder during a practice run on the morning of the first day of the games. That was just awful and reminder of the peril that many of these athletes go through in order to compete at the highest level.
The Games went on, however, and had all of the intrigue of - well, I dunno. Truth be told the Winter Olympics just aren't THAT exciting. They're only exciting when someone crashes, which happens a lot. The most compelling story lines were that of Lindsey Vonn, Bode Miller, Apolo Anton Ono, and Shaun White, not necessarily in that order.
Lindsay Vonn, or 'Princess' as she prefers to be called - is one of the world's top skiers. She's also pretty hot and has made no attempt to not use that to her advantage. Prior to the Olympics she did a photo shoot for Sports Ilustrated in various states of undress - the cover had her butt in the air in a downhill pose. As our favorite American Idol cast-off says "lookin' like a fool with your butt in the air and your pants on the ground and your hat to side and skis on the slope.' Something like that. But she won, and got into a catfight with her teammate who seems to be resentful of her looks and success. On girls, keep it clean.
Next up - Bode Miller. Mr. Miller, who was raised sans television and internet but amongst beer cans and pot plants, is also a great skier. He once did an interview with 60 minutes where he described his partying lifestyle and his propensity to drink a lot and habit of being drunk on the slopes. Not quite a media darling - we'll call him the John Daly of skiing. He did, however, win the gold in the Men's Super Combined - and celebrated with a toke and keg stand. Go Bode Go!
Apolo Anton Ohno. Also goes by the moniker AAO. He's a freaky speedskater and he won 'Dancing with the Stars' in his four-year off season. A nice guy. There was story on Yahoo! about why he yawns before a big race. It's not because he's bored or disinterested, it's because it helps fill up his lungs with air for the race. I mean, who didn't know that?
Finally, we have Shaun White. The Flying Tomato. I've studied him, and I mean this with lots of respect - he looks like the lovechild of Jenna Jameson and Carrot Top. He's a snowboarding freak, and he's not afraid to smash his head into the wall while attempting a move called the Do-Hickey-JoePa-Must-Go-Ocho-Drinko-1260. He's also a gold medalist, and he has a good dealer.
There are some other unique personalities in these Winter Games, but they're not American so they don't get good press. I will, however, give a shout out to my skating buddy Sven Kramer of the Netherregions. He is a serial lane switcher - just when you think he should stay in his lane - he will switch. It's a strategy that results in losing but gaining of attention and media coverage. That's the Olympic spirit. And a final shoutout to Cheryl Bernard of the Canadian Curling team and all the members of the Dutch Curling Team. Whatever they did, they look good doing it.
The Games went on, however, and had all of the intrigue of - well, I dunno. Truth be told the Winter Olympics just aren't THAT exciting. They're only exciting when someone crashes, which happens a lot. The most compelling story lines were that of Lindsey Vonn, Bode Miller, Apolo Anton Ono, and Shaun White, not necessarily in that order.
Lindsay Vonn, or 'Princess' as she prefers to be called - is one of the world's top skiers. She's also pretty hot and has made no attempt to not use that to her advantage. Prior to the Olympics she did a photo shoot for Sports Ilustrated in various states of undress - the cover had her butt in the air in a downhill pose. As our favorite American Idol cast-off says "lookin' like a fool with your butt in the air and your pants on the ground and your hat to side and skis on the slope.' Something like that. But she won, and got into a catfight with her teammate who seems to be resentful of her looks and success. On girls, keep it clean.
Next up - Bode Miller. Mr. Miller, who was raised sans television and internet but amongst beer cans and pot plants, is also a great skier. He once did an interview with 60 minutes where he described his partying lifestyle and his propensity to drink a lot and habit of being drunk on the slopes. Not quite a media darling - we'll call him the John Daly of skiing. He did, however, win the gold in the Men's Super Combined - and celebrated with a toke and keg stand. Go Bode Go!
Apolo Anton Ohno. Also goes by the moniker AAO. He's a freaky speedskater and he won 'Dancing with the Stars' in his four-year off season. A nice guy. There was story on Yahoo! about why he yawns before a big race. It's not because he's bored or disinterested, it's because it helps fill up his lungs with air for the race. I mean, who didn't know that?
Finally, we have Shaun White. The Flying Tomato. I've studied him, and I mean this with lots of respect - he looks like the lovechild of Jenna Jameson and Carrot Top. He's a snowboarding freak, and he's not afraid to smash his head into the wall while attempting a move called the Do-Hickey-JoePa-Must-Go-Ocho-Drinko-1260. He's also a gold medalist, and he has a good dealer.
There are some other unique personalities in these Winter Games, but they're not American so they don't get good press. I will, however, give a shout out to my skating buddy Sven Kramer of the Netherregions. He is a serial lane switcher - just when you think he should stay in his lane - he will switch. It's a strategy that results in losing but gaining of attention and media coverage. That's the Olympic spirit. And a final shoutout to Cheryl Bernard of the Canadian Curling team and all the members of the Dutch Curling Team. Whatever they did, they look good doing it.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
K-Mon Eye-Lon
Any good trip outside the U.S. should start with a flight delay. It's sort of a rule of thumb. So we waited and waited, and waited some more. Nothing. The Superbowl comes, still nothing - what kind of bizarre joke is this. Our 8am flight to Charlotte will be running as scheduled? I don't believe it, hallelujah. Oh wait, it's 11pm, the Superbowl is over, the phone rings, and the automated message commences. Your flight out of LaGuardia has been cancelled and you are sh*t out of luck. So we call the airline, and they say, 'Congratulations, if you really truly want to go on vacation, your flight will be leaving from Newark Airport at 6am.' And everyone jumps for joy. So long story short, you get in to bed at midnite, you fall asleep around 1:30, you wake up at 3am, hope out of bed, find a cab, get to Penn Station, hop on the train and voila, you're in Newark. Yee-freakin-ha.
So fast forward a few hours, and you're in the Caribbean - specifically the Cayman Islands. The Caymans are a group of 3 islands - Grand Cayman, Cayman Brac, and Little Cayman. It's warm, and very near Cuba, which means illegal cigars can't be far off - I mean if you smoke them they aren't far off. I don't, so they were pretty far off. We landed, found our living quarters, and off to the beach we go. Our weeklong trip consisted of the beach, the pool, the sun, the beach, the pool, a nap or two, a fancy haircut, some Stingrays, a little Karaoke, and some birthday cake.
Funny story, I walk into a barber shop in need of a haircut. I wait through two guys to get their hair cut, and then I step up to the plate. When you have a beard, and you're protective of it, everytime you get a haircut you get asked for a beard trim, and everytime I say no thanks. This guy, however, he was persisent, determined - if you will, to trim my beard. He says 'hey mon, let me clean up ya beard now..' I say 'no mon, don't need to touch da beard, i take care of it now.' He say 'relax mon, I take care of the beard, it'll look fan-tas-tic.' I say 'really, don worry 'bout it, mon.' Then your girlfriend chimes in 'you can trim his beard and make it look nice.' And so the beard is trimmed.
Funny story number 2. So we head to karaoke night for some singing, and by that I know someone who likes to sing - a lot. So my girlfriend, she signs up for a song, and no one thinks anything of it. The show starts, the MC sings two songs, and then he hands over the microphone. This woman, we'll call her Brandi - she gets up, starts blasting 'Creole Lady Marmalade' and everyone looks on in amazement. Who is this woman and where did she come from? The MC stops the show, he can't believe it, he is shocked, they don't get this everday at Singh's Roti Karaoke contest. He makes her start over, which she does, and is still wowed - and then dismisses everyone else who has signed up for karaoke and says it's not necessary, they're wasting their time. Except me, I was egged into it. He approaches me, and he says 'what song do you want to sing?' I say 'I don't want to sing a song, trust me.' He says 'no, you gotta sing a song.' I say ' you will lose half your dinner crowd if I sing a song.' He says 'how 'bout we sing Crash Test Dummies?' and I say 'fine, let's do it.'
So we it, it was horrible, and it will never happen again.
And now for the Stingrays. There is a snorkle trip with a stop in Stingray Bay. If you're never seen a Stingray, it is a LARGE animal. Imagine a horsehoe carb on steroids. These things are not messing around. So of course all of the tourists get to jump in the water and get their pictures taken. I personally find it a little tacky and against the laws of nature that all these strangers should be grabbing foreign sea creatures. I don't like it, but I stood in the water to oblige my tour guide and I mingled with the rays as they plotted against us. You get to kiss a stingray for 7 years good luck. It kissed me and I swear it whispered in my ear 'do you feel luuucky?' and then it told me to f&*% off.
The third order of business is the man called Large Richard de Noir. The translation is Big Black Dick, which takes a while to sink in. He is first spotted as the emblem on the rum liquor and cakes they sell everywhere. You are perusing the liquor aisle and you spot 'Big Black Dick' and then you say 'hmmm... how very lewd and inappropriate of them,' and then you grab 3 bottles for yourself. The story goes, Big Black Dick was a slave who was thrown overboard and swam to shore and began harvestng the best rum known to man - or the Carribean. So go on, everyone, get your hands on some Big Black Dick.
So fast forward a few hours, and you're in the Caribbean - specifically the Cayman Islands. The Caymans are a group of 3 islands - Grand Cayman, Cayman Brac, and Little Cayman. It's warm, and very near Cuba, which means illegal cigars can't be far off - I mean if you smoke them they aren't far off. I don't, so they were pretty far off. We landed, found our living quarters, and off to the beach we go. Our weeklong trip consisted of the beach, the pool, the sun, the beach, the pool, a nap or two, a fancy haircut, some Stingrays, a little Karaoke, and some birthday cake.
Funny story, I walk into a barber shop in need of a haircut. I wait through two guys to get their hair cut, and then I step up to the plate. When you have a beard, and you're protective of it, everytime you get a haircut you get asked for a beard trim, and everytime I say no thanks. This guy, however, he was persisent, determined - if you will, to trim my beard. He says 'hey mon, let me clean up ya beard now..' I say 'no mon, don't need to touch da beard, i take care of it now.' He say 'relax mon, I take care of the beard, it'll look fan-tas-tic.' I say 'really, don worry 'bout it, mon.' Then your girlfriend chimes in 'you can trim his beard and make it look nice.' And so the beard is trimmed.
Funny story number 2. So we head to karaoke night for some singing, and by that I know someone who likes to sing - a lot. So my girlfriend, she signs up for a song, and no one thinks anything of it. The show starts, the MC sings two songs, and then he hands over the microphone. This woman, we'll call her Brandi - she gets up, starts blasting 'Creole Lady Marmalade' and everyone looks on in amazement. Who is this woman and where did she come from? The MC stops the show, he can't believe it, he is shocked, they don't get this everday at Singh's Roti Karaoke contest. He makes her start over, which she does, and is still wowed - and then dismisses everyone else who has signed up for karaoke and says it's not necessary, they're wasting their time. Except me, I was egged into it. He approaches me, and he says 'what song do you want to sing?' I say 'I don't want to sing a song, trust me.' He says 'no, you gotta sing a song.' I say ' you will lose half your dinner crowd if I sing a song.' He says 'how 'bout we sing Crash Test Dummies?' and I say 'fine, let's do it.'
So we it, it was horrible, and it will never happen again.
And now for the Stingrays. There is a snorkle trip with a stop in Stingray Bay. If you're never seen a Stingray, it is a LARGE animal. Imagine a horsehoe carb on steroids. These things are not messing around. So of course all of the tourists get to jump in the water and get their pictures taken. I personally find it a little tacky and against the laws of nature that all these strangers should be grabbing foreign sea creatures. I don't like it, but I stood in the water to oblige my tour guide and I mingled with the rays as they plotted against us. You get to kiss a stingray for 7 years good luck. It kissed me and I swear it whispered in my ear 'do you feel luuucky?' and then it told me to f&*% off.
The third order of business is the man called Large Richard de Noir. The translation is Big Black Dick, which takes a while to sink in. He is first spotted as the emblem on the rum liquor and cakes they sell everywhere. You are perusing the liquor aisle and you spot 'Big Black Dick' and then you say 'hmmm... how very lewd and inappropriate of them,' and then you grab 3 bottles for yourself. The story goes, Big Black Dick was a slave who was thrown overboard and swam to shore and began harvestng the best rum known to man - or the Carribean. So go on, everyone, get your hands on some Big Black Dick.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Some Schpilkes for Wilkos
I had the rare opportunity to take in the one and only Steve Wilkos show this past week. You remember Steve Wilkos, the former Chicago police officer turned head of security for Jerry Springer, turned independent-minded and caring talk show host. Well, if you don't, he is Steve Wilkos and he is here to solve your problems.
The Steve Wilkos Show is taped in front of a live and below the poverty level studio audience (yes, I'm including my self in that statement). It's in the same building as the Maury Povich Show and The Jerry Springer Show. Truth be told, our objective was to go see Jerry, but we were late and got left with Steve. Oh well.
Here is the best way to sum up the show: it is a both a fascinating slice of Americana and a very depressing one. I feel as though the reason The Steve Wilkos is on the air is the same reason that George W. Bush was elected twice to the presidency: people enjoy rooting for bad ideas that are entertaining. The Steve Wilkos show is a bad idea that happens to be somewhat entertaining - and I emphasize somewhat. The idea is that Steve is a former Jerry Springer lackey who now has the understanding and emotional side to deal with real people and their problems. Steve knows best, and the guests on the show should be thankful for his willingness to help him. Here is where the pro wrestling comparisons come in. The show is quite obviously manufactured and scripted. The floor manager instructs the audience how to greet Steve and when to do it. Just as Jerry Springer has made the "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry" chant famous, so now does Steve have the "Steeeve, Steeeve, Steeeve" chant. During the taping of the show, I swear on all that is holy that the audience was asked to applaud and chant his name no less than every 3 minutes or so. He finishes a sentence with some words of wisdom, we applaud him like he is President Obama delivering the State of the Union. Add to this the fact that a television camera is literally 3 feet away from your face, aiming to catch every expression that you may exert - and it's very difficult not to burst out laughing at the absurdity that you're taking part in. We were warned though, please do not laugh while camera is on you, that would make it appear the topic of the show is amusing and non-sensical.
The topic of the show was - it doesn't matter what the topic was. There was a black man and white woman on stage yelling at each other. It's more interesting when there's racial disparity, you know? By the end of the show, by the grace of god, the conflict had been resolved (who would have guessed?).
From a technical standpoint, I had issues with the fact that the guests on the show seemed to stop arguing as soon as Steve would leave the stage, and then begin again right as he got back in front of the camera. They even went so far as to have a bumbling producer run on stage and tell the not-pregnant lady that she shouldn't get in a fight because she was pregnant, providing some comic relief for the audience.
Ha, it was hilarous, with a capital "are you kidding me, I can't believe I'm sitting here watching this, again."
The Steve Wilkos show airs weekdays at 12pm on WPIX in New York City. Check your local listings.
The Steve Wilkos Show is taped in front of a live and below the poverty level studio audience (yes, I'm including my self in that statement). It's in the same building as the Maury Povich Show and The Jerry Springer Show. Truth be told, our objective was to go see Jerry, but we were late and got left with Steve. Oh well.
Here is the best way to sum up the show: it is a both a fascinating slice of Americana and a very depressing one. I feel as though the reason The Steve Wilkos is on the air is the same reason that George W. Bush was elected twice to the presidency: people enjoy rooting for bad ideas that are entertaining. The Steve Wilkos show is a bad idea that happens to be somewhat entertaining - and I emphasize somewhat. The idea is that Steve is a former Jerry Springer lackey who now has the understanding and emotional side to deal with real people and their problems. Steve knows best, and the guests on the show should be thankful for his willingness to help him. Here is where the pro wrestling comparisons come in. The show is quite obviously manufactured and scripted. The floor manager instructs the audience how to greet Steve and when to do it. Just as Jerry Springer has made the "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry" chant famous, so now does Steve have the "Steeeve, Steeeve, Steeeve" chant. During the taping of the show, I swear on all that is holy that the audience was asked to applaud and chant his name no less than every 3 minutes or so. He finishes a sentence with some words of wisdom, we applaud him like he is President Obama delivering the State of the Union. Add to this the fact that a television camera is literally 3 feet away from your face, aiming to catch every expression that you may exert - and it's very difficult not to burst out laughing at the absurdity that you're taking part in. We were warned though, please do not laugh while camera is on you, that would make it appear the topic of the show is amusing and non-sensical.
The topic of the show was - it doesn't matter what the topic was. There was a black man and white woman on stage yelling at each other. It's more interesting when there's racial disparity, you know? By the end of the show, by the grace of god, the conflict had been resolved (who would have guessed?).
From a technical standpoint, I had issues with the fact that the guests on the show seemed to stop arguing as soon as Steve would leave the stage, and then begin again right as he got back in front of the camera. They even went so far as to have a bumbling producer run on stage and tell the not-pregnant lady that she shouldn't get in a fight because she was pregnant, providing some comic relief for the audience.
Ha, it was hilarous, with a capital "are you kidding me, I can't believe I'm sitting here watching this, again."
The Steve Wilkos show airs weekdays at 12pm on WPIX in New York City. Check your local listings.
Friday, January 15, 2010
In Awe of Brokaw...
The screening, brought to us by the good people at the USA Network, was a festive occasion, complete with Ms. American Character 2010. That's sort of like Ms. Golden Globe, but not quite as well-publicized. Nevertheless she did a good job with the hors d'oeuvres. All good documentary screenings have free cocktails, and this one was no different. The secret is to have enough free wine because you can, but not so much that when Tom Brokaw shows up you ask him how he feels being bumped to 12:05.
“American Character” is filmed in the same vein as Charles Kuralt’s “On The Road” segments from years ago. Brokaw’s journey begins in Chesapeake Bay and winds its way through America’s heartland, ending in Sacramento. We are given a glimpse of Maryland’s struggling crab industry, which depends on immigrant workers to survive. We are then transported down the road to the Washington D.C. school district, headed by bold-talking education reformer Michelle Rhee. She is a young, Korean-American in charge of a largely African-American school district. Her job is to provide her students with a chance for success. She does her job a little differently than most – she listens to her students and acts accordingly. She even implemented a controversial program that pays students to get good grades. The critics, like myself, argued that students shouldn’t be paid for something they’re supposed to do. Brokaw argued, however, that all those rich kids in private school get new cars when they do well, so why can’t those who are less fortunate also be rewarded. Point taken.
The story hits an emotional point when Tom sits down with service men who have been seriously injured during their time in Iraq and Afghanistan, and have now returned home to begin their lives anew. They are quadriplegics, missing arms and legs, and have severe brain injuries. These are people who have served multiple tours of war and now have come home with nothing. During his visit, he meets with Navy Seal Officer Eric Greitens, who founded The Mission Continues, an organization designed to empower wounded and disabled veterans to continue their service to their country. As Greitens states in the film, his mission is to change the way our veterans are treated when they return home.
The road trip continues through the Mid-West, and then onto Colorado, Nevada, and on to Sacramento. Along the way we are introduced to families that are struggling with medical care for themselves, their families, and in danger of losing houses and a way of way of life. In Sacramento, former NBA All-Star Kevin Johnson has taken the reigns of his hometown as its new mayor. His transition from professional athlete to political figure isn't easy, especially given the cities unemployment and homelessness rate. That's why he's in it, though, because it's a challenge and he has that American Character to rely on.
“American Character Along Highway 50” premieres on Monday, January 18th at 8PM, on the USA Network.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Oh Late Night...
Well... here we go again. It's the late night wars starring Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien. Isn't it amusing how Jay Leno always finds himself involved in a battle for the Tonight Show. I think it's funny. Jay was able to maneuver his way into the Tonight Show right around 1993, sending David Letterman off to CBS to play with his harem of women, and also host a talk show. The battle prompted Bill Carter of the New York Times to write a book called 'The Late Shift' which subsequently became an HBO movie of the same name.
Good stuff. So everyone had the last two decades to settle into their roles. Jay had Tonight, Conan had Late Night and Dave had the Late Show. Perfect, everyone goes home happy. Not so fast, Conan's contract was up in 2009 and it was decided that in order to keep him on board, he should get the Tonight Show, and then to placate Mr. Leno, Jay would retire. But that's not really true. Do you smell a problem coming on?
Jay retires (not really), Conan moves his operation to L.A. to take over the reigns of the Tonight Show, and NBC gives up ad dollars by not producing new dramas at 10pm. By the way, absolutely no one in the industry thought this idea would work, and surprise, surprise, they were right. It didn't work, Jay is coming back to the Tonight Show, and Conan is pissed.
The beauty of this saga is that there are so many more outlets involved. Now Mr. Letterman, sensing vindication, can spend half of his show harping on how stupid and incompetent the suites at NBC are, something he's been waiting to do since Hugh Grant gave Leno a ratings lead that one night. You have to love when he impersonates Leno in his high squeaky voice, and then even goes after Carson Daly as the kid waving his hand at the end of the dinner table. No one sees him, no one hears him, no one really cares. He used to be on TRL, you know.
Even Jimmy Kimmel decided to join the fun. He dressed as Jay Leno, with gray wig and fake chin and did his entire show with a lisp and squeaky voice. It was one of the funnier things I've seen on his show. And Craig Ferguson, who does his show more like a stand-up routine than a talk show, I think he summed up it all when he said 'this is about a bunch of rich white guys in suits deciding who should get more money... who gives a F$#*?"
And that's the beauty of it, it's just a great opportunity for a bunch of comedy talk show hosts to go after each other - I sort of wish Sarah Palin was involved in this.
I hope Conan goes to Fox.
I hope Dave continues to make fun of Carson Daly and Jay Leno on a nightly basis.
I hope the Patriots hire a new defensive coordinator.
Good stuff. So everyone had the last two decades to settle into their roles. Jay had Tonight, Conan had Late Night and Dave had the Late Show. Perfect, everyone goes home happy. Not so fast, Conan's contract was up in 2009 and it was decided that in order to keep him on board, he should get the Tonight Show, and then to placate Mr. Leno, Jay would retire. But that's not really true. Do you smell a problem coming on?
Jay retires (not really), Conan moves his operation to L.A. to take over the reigns of the Tonight Show, and NBC gives up ad dollars by not producing new dramas at 10pm. By the way, absolutely no one in the industry thought this idea would work, and surprise, surprise, they were right. It didn't work, Jay is coming back to the Tonight Show, and Conan is pissed.
The beauty of this saga is that there are so many more outlets involved. Now Mr. Letterman, sensing vindication, can spend half of his show harping on how stupid and incompetent the suites at NBC are, something he's been waiting to do since Hugh Grant gave Leno a ratings lead that one night. You have to love when he impersonates Leno in his high squeaky voice, and then even goes after Carson Daly as the kid waving his hand at the end of the dinner table. No one sees him, no one hears him, no one really cares. He used to be on TRL, you know.
Even Jimmy Kimmel decided to join the fun. He dressed as Jay Leno, with gray wig and fake chin and did his entire show with a lisp and squeaky voice. It was one of the funnier things I've seen on his show. And Craig Ferguson, who does his show more like a stand-up routine than a talk show, I think he summed up it all when he said 'this is about a bunch of rich white guys in suits deciding who should get more money... who gives a F$#*?"
And that's the beauty of it, it's just a great opportunity for a bunch of comedy talk show hosts to go after each other - I sort of wish Sarah Palin was involved in this.
I hope Conan goes to Fox.
I hope Dave continues to make fun of Carson Daly and Jay Leno on a nightly basis.
I hope the Patriots hire a new defensive coordinator.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Jersey Whore
Well... not quite, but they seem very close. MTV premiered it's latest incarnation of The Real World this Fall - it's not quite the The Real World, but it is a group of strangers (as far as we know), picked to live together in a house for the summer... in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Not all the house members are from New Jersey, most are from Long Island and New York - but they clearly read the Jersey Guido brochure and went out and got haircuts, tatoos and muscles to fit the bill.
The beauty of this show, as opposed to The Real World, is that it's very homogenous and each person knows their part. They even have nicknames, most prominently Mike "The Situation" and Jwoww, and of course Snooki. This isn't a show where they have the token lesbian and the angry black woman and the conservative dude, and the kid whose still a virgin. No, this time they have a bunch of italian guys looking for sex and a bunch of italian women angry at the guys for looking for sex - and in between they work at a t-shirt store. And by 'work', I mean they occupy space at a t-shirt store and look for women to have sex with.
Stereotypical, sure - entertaining yes. The same reason people enjoyed watching The Sopranos and The Real Housewives of New Jersey enjoy this show because it's an unabashed fake reality of how we think certain people act. There's a voyeurism involved here, keeping track of the women that The Situation and his buddy Pauly invite back to the house, only to ditch them for two other women who they get sick of, only to be confronted by the original two women who they then re-connect with, and then at some point Snookie gets punched in the face. You can't make this stuff up.
'The Jersey Shore' has been one of MTV's highest rated shows - probably taking in the audience that Jackass had back in it's heyday in 2002-03. It's clever because you don't have people who are trying to get to know each other - you have people who already know each other and are trying to deal with each other. There are no political, religious, or social arguments - although when Pauly messed up saying grace I think we were all taken aback a little. Even The Situation was speechless.
And did I mention that Snookie got punched in the face? Happy 2010 everyone.
The beauty of this show, as opposed to The Real World, is that it's very homogenous and each person knows their part. They even have nicknames, most prominently Mike "The Situation" and Jwoww, and of course Snooki. This isn't a show where they have the token lesbian and the angry black woman and the conservative dude, and the kid whose still a virgin. No, this time they have a bunch of italian guys looking for sex and a bunch of italian women angry at the guys for looking for sex - and in between they work at a t-shirt store. And by 'work', I mean they occupy space at a t-shirt store and look for women to have sex with.
Stereotypical, sure - entertaining yes. The same reason people enjoyed watching The Sopranos and The Real Housewives of New Jersey enjoy this show because it's an unabashed fake reality of how we think certain people act. There's a voyeurism involved here, keeping track of the women that The Situation and his buddy Pauly invite back to the house, only to ditch them for two other women who they get sick of, only to be confronted by the original two women who they then re-connect with, and then at some point Snookie gets punched in the face. You can't make this stuff up.
'The Jersey Shore' has been one of MTV's highest rated shows - probably taking in the audience that Jackass had back in it's heyday in 2002-03. It's clever because you don't have people who are trying to get to know each other - you have people who already know each other and are trying to deal with each other. There are no political, religious, or social arguments - although when Pauly messed up saying grace I think we were all taken aback a little. Even The Situation was speechless.
And did I mention that Snookie got punched in the face? Happy 2010 everyone.
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